Is your partner struggling with a drinking problem? Are you worried and confused about how to approach this thorny issue in a way that motivates your loved one to seek help? Ideally, home should be our safest place, where...
Is your partner struggling with a drinking problem? Are you worried and confused about how to approach this thorny issue in a way that motivates your loved one to seek help?
Ideally, home should be our safest place, where we can be most open, most vulnerable, and most supported. Unfortunately, substance abuse undermines trust and strains relationships. Excessive drinking causes people to withdraw from close relationships while desperately trying to “hold things together” to keep the full extent of their problem hidden from view.
Your partner’s distancing and reluctance to communicate openly about the extent of his/her alcohol problem makes it all the more necessary for you to carefully prepare how you will approach your partner in a way that can help to motivate them to change rather than cause more conflict. Here are some practical steps you can take to open the conversation, become a source of support, and get the support that both of you need.
Step 1: Plan what you want to say
Write down your opening statement so you are clear about what you want to say. For example: “I’d like to have an open honest conversation with you about your drinking. I know it’s a touchy subject, but I promise not to be accusatory, shaming, or aggressive. I’m really concerned about you and I’m hoping you will give me an opportunity to explain my concerns and how we might work together to find a solution.” You don’t want to start a conversation where you don’t have goals, talking points, and questions to ask your partner. Have a plan of what is important for you to say, and know that you can’t control your partner’s response. Create talking points that are very focused and practical, such as “you are drinking excessively, it affects how you are at work and at home, and I’d really like to talk about this”.
Step 2: Pick your time
If your partner comes home high or acts disrespectfully, it can be instinctive to respond with emotion and aggression. This would be the worst time to raise your concerns and feelings. Your partner is in no place to listen and may respond with just as much aggression.
Step 3: Stay calm, on topic, and avoid attacking your partner
Plan a time when and where you are going to speak, and go into the conversation calmly. Stick to your talking points.
It’s important that your partner not feel attacked. You deserve the love and care that your partner can’t provide for you right now. This needs to be addressed, but not for this conversation.
Step 4: Tap into your empathy
This may be the hardest part. You feel hurt, confused, angry, and so many negative emotions towards your partner. Very likely, the last thing you want to do is to put yourself in their shoes! Expressing empathy, care, and concern when you are so distressed is incredibly difficult.
Right now, your partner is not well. They are addicted to drinking. They need targeted, expert help in order to get better. Your support and actions up can positively impact their entrance into recovery. Your feelings, your sacrifices, and how strongly you have been affected need to be addressed. But, they can only be addressed productively once your partner is getting help.
Step 5: Validate your feelings and get support
You need support at this time as well as your spouse. Having a partner who struggles with substance abuse means that your relationship is likely a source of chaos, pain, isolation, negativity, emotional upheaval, and possibly neglect or even abuse.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends and family and ask for help and guidance. Sometimes, when dealing with substance abuse, both the addict and those closest to the addict feel ashamed. Don’t let shame keep you from getting help. Don’t hold back from expressing to the people closest to you what’s going on. Those who care about you will be discreet and make space for you to talk about what you need.
Make sure that your support network is in place. Having an outlet to discuss how you feel, whether with a loved one or a therapist, will be essential for your wellbeing during this process.
Contact
If you and your partner need help with addiction recovery services, contact us today to schedule your initial consultation with Dr. Arnold Washton or Dr. Lori Washton.
We provide private, effective, individualized treatment that helps professionals overcome substance abuse. You can start living a better, brighter, and healthier life.
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