This past week I felt sad with the rest of the world about Matthew Perry and his sudden death. I had watched the entire 10 seasons of Friends during Covid and had grown up with Friends like many of...
This past week I felt sad with the rest of the world about Matthew Perry and his sudden death. I had watched the entire 10 seasons of Friends during Covid and had grown up with Friends like many of us had. I cried when he had died. I loved him as Chandler Bing on friends because he was funny. I was so glad he got to go to the Friends Reunion even though he was struggling on there. I heard last year he had written a memoir about his life and how hard he had struggled with addiction. He wanted to shed light on addiction.
Those of is who have been caught in addiction know that it breeds in darkness. It’s a darkness that seems like it’s never ending and you feel like your in hell. I decided to download the audible of Matthew Perry called Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing. He reads the audible version and wow its been very enlightening. It’s also very tough to read at times.
As I’ve listened this week, I realized that some of the things he’s experienced in his life I understood exactly how it felt and it drew me back into where I struggled with addiction. The feeling like you never belonged no matter what you did. That lonely feeling wishing that your family paid attention to you and feeling like you never got into your family. The feelings of abandonment and rejection and the shame that you felt almost like you were drowning.
Trauma messes up your brain so much and you drop people before they drop you so you don’t feel that rejection all over again. Matthew Perry talked about the holes you felt often and how nothing could fill them up and for him only pills and alcohol could do that. The more he ran the more he got trapped in addiction and how many times he had to go to rehab. Those places just take you off the drugs but never got into why you started in the first place.
I wrote in my memoirs about me in addiction but not thought about it in a long time especially when I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. It’s hard for me to talk about even though I’ve not drank in 30 years. The years I did it so much I just don’t remember but I was out of control. I related to a lot of how Matthew felt. I was so shy that if I didn’t drink then I was a basket case all evening if we ever went out and if guys were there it made it worse. I had liquid courage and you felt like you fit with everyone you met and I have a really good sense of humor so it would come out more and people laughed out made you feel good.
I was really surprised how much I could relate to what Matthew was saying in his memoirs. I started drinking for the same reasons he started. I also had friends that helped me even though I thought I was hiding it well. It all catches up with you though. Thank goodness I never did drugs but when I felt God took my alcoholism away and I still did not deal with my past I just went into addiction.
I hate that Matthew had to go through all of this in his life, but one thing he did say was if he died he wanted people to know that he helped others in addiction. Not to just be remembered for his role on friends. He had started turning his life around and really helping people stop addiction in a rehab he developed. In one of his homes he turned out into a rehab program. People were staying sober because it was more than just drying out. Yes if you don’t get to the root of your addiction why you started on the first place you will continue in other addictions.
For me I had to lean solely on the Lord and He became the thing I needed to fill in the holes in my life. I had to go to counseling and talk about hard things and the worse part how to feel. I had a counsel who told me that nobody ever died from feeling. It was so hard because I numbed out those feelings. I had lots of support and even though I’ve thanked many of my counselers. One helped me over and above in her practice.
I could not have changed my life like I did without her. She was tough and I needed tough because I could and knew all the ways to get around everything. One of the things I had promised myself was always to tell someone when I fell. That was really hard but that stopped the secrets and that addiction was brought into the light. Addiction tries to stay hidden and it’s easy to hide until its not.
I’m still listening to the memoirs and I’m really glad I decided to listen. Yes even though it’s really hard sharing our stories are so important. I think of our opioid crisis right now, worse then it’s ever been. These people are someone’s children. They often don’t get help or get lost in our system. I’m lucky that I have had people who never gave up on me and showed me that I am worth it. I hardly ever feel shame or rejection which I’m so greatful for.
If you can listen to Matthew Perry’s memoirs I would highly recommend it and read about his legacy. May he rest in peace.
Thank you for everyone who has helped me over the years and Believing in me when I couldn’t do it myself. Loving me where I couldn’t sell that love and for sticking by me no matter what. This is why I wrote my memoirs on my blog. I need to finish them.
Thanks to all my readers who listened to me sharing the hardest parts of my life. We need to keep sharing our stories and through that pain is healing. 
