With ADHD, it’s not uncommon to fall hard for a new love interest – into an intense honeymoon phase marked by love-bombing that may feel heavily one-sided. Essentially, the partner with ADHD “bombs” the other partner with admiration, gifts,...

With ADHD, it’s not uncommon to fall hard for a new love interest – into an intense honeymoon phase marked by love-bombing that may feel heavily one-sided.

Essentially, the partner with ADHD “bombs” the other partner with admiration, gifts, compliments, and attention. But this might not be reciprocated at the same level.

The term “love bombing” comes with a negative connotation because it’s typically used to define excessive affection to manipulate or make the other person dependent on you.

However, many ADHDers who display this often do so without any hidden motives. They genuinely adore and care for their partner. 

If you have ADHD or are dating someone with ADHD, it’s essential to understand why this phenomenon occurs and how both of you can navigate it.

This helps prevent misunderstandings, enabling you and your partner to build a healthy and strong relationship.

The Hyperfocus Conundrum: Why ADHD Relationships Experience “Love Bombing”

Many ADHDers who “love bomb” actually do it out of goodwill. They’re not looking to gain power or influence in the relationship.

In most cases, each compliment, gift, and gesture is sincere and comes from the bottom of their hearts.

The question is, why does ADHD “love bombing” happen? 

This boils down to how the ADHD brain works.

While ADHD is commonly linked to poor focus and inattention, this isn’t always the case.[1]

Sometimes, the ADHD brain may latch onto one particular thing, such as a love interest or hobby, and become very focused and preoccupied with it.

There are several possible explanations for these ADHD hyperfixations, including:

Poor attentional regulation: The differences in the structure of the ADHD brain, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, can make it challenging for ADHDers to regulate their attention. They may struggle to take their focus off one thing and switch it to another.[2] Lack of inhibitory control: The ADHD brain also has trouble with impulsivity and inhibitory control, which is the ability to regulate or suppress certain thoughts, emotions, and actions.[2] Low dopamine: This chemical messenger plays a role in reward and motivation. Due to a dopamine dysfunction in the brain, ADHDers may be driven to engage in activities that increase dopamine function (e.g., the novelty of being in love or the thrill of pursuing a love interest).[3]

Due to these reasons, an ADHDer may be highly invested in their partner at the start of the relationship, and this could seem like an ADHD love obsession.

They may shower them with attention, gifts, and compliments. And while some partners may enjoy this, others may feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or pressured.

This is where healthy communication is vital to preventing a misunderstanding. It’s important to talk about your feelings and how your partner’s actions affect you – and vice versa.

Examples of “Love Bombing” in ADHD

People with ADHD may display a greater level of affection early on in the relationship. This can show up in the following ways:

Wanting to move into the next stage of the relationship very quickly Wanting to know everything about their partner from the get-go Showering the other person with many gifts in a short period Always wanting to be around or hang out with their partner Giving many personal details about themselves early on Consistently texting or calling throughout the day Wanting to know their partner’s whereabouts Constantly giving a barrage of compliments

The ADHD partner might not realize that they’re overstepping their partner’s boundaries or putting pressure on them to move faster than they’d like.

If you have ADHD, keep in mind that it does not make you a “bad” partner. Your ADHD symptoms aren’t something you can switch on and off.

But taking responsibility for your actions – whether or not they’re due to ADHD – is something anyone can work on.

Breaking the Unhealthy Relationship Cycle

The initial “love bombing” of a relationship often doesn’t last forever.

As the novelty of the relationship wears off, the partner with ADHD might start to seem disinterested and less committed.

Their partner might notice a sharp drop in how much attention and affection they give, leaving them frustrated and disappointed.

At this stage of the relationship, conflicts, arguments, and a lack of intimacy can begin to build up.

But this doesn’t mean that dating with ADHD will never work out. Quite the opposite, many adults with ADHD are capable of building fulfilling and happy relationships with the person they love.

Of course, this will require both parties to be committed and intentional in making the relationship work.

Strategies for the Partner With ADHD

If you have ADHD, seeking professional help and treatment is one step that can improve the way you manage relationships and friendships. This can help you better handle the ups and downs of a relationship.

You can also try support groups specifically for those with ADHD. You can talk with people who have been where you are and know how you feel.

Apart from seeking support and treatment, here are some other ways to navigate “love bombing” in your relationship:

Ask your partner how your actions make them feel. Find a quiet time to talk in a relatively distraction-free space. Find out how to make your partner feel comfortable and respected. Early in the relationship, they might not wish to discuss personal details. Maybe they want to take things a little slower. Learn about your partner’s boundaries. Ask for consent before any physical or sexual touches, and if they ask for space or time alone, remind yourself to respect that.

Say you’re currently in the “low” stage of your relationship, and the initial newness and excitement are wearing off. This doesn’t mean your relationship is failing or has lost its meaning.

If you and your partner have agreed on getting into a relationship, staying true to your commitment is important.

Here are some tips to help you get through the “downs” and build a healthy, sustainable relationship with your partner:

Schedule date nights to spend time alone with your partner. You can try new activities together, such as a pottery class or a coffee tasting. Resolve conflicts instead of sweeping them under the carpet. If you find that either of you are angry or worked up, take some time to cool off before coming back together again to discuss. Communicate often. Be honest with your partner about your struggles and what you’re working on so they can better understand how to support you. Practice active listening when your partner speaks, and remind yourself not to interrupt them.

It’s not your fault that you have ADHD. But taking ownership of your actions is essential to becoming the best version of yourself for the people you love.

Strategies for the non-ADHD Partner

You might be understandably overwhelmed or pressured by your partner’s gestures and affection early in the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable, here are some things you can do:

Voice your concerns to your partner. Be kind and loving but honest. Let them know that you feel a little overwhelmed or pressured, as this enables them to take accountability for their actions. Set healthy boundaries and be clear about them with your partner. Make sure you’re firm with your boundaries so the two of you can build independence apart from each other. Show that you care. It can be challenging for ADHDers to read other people’s body language or emotions. You can show your partner you love and care for them through your words and thoughtful gestures. Look out for yourself. In most cases, ADHDers “love bomb” with pure and good intentions. But you can still keep an eye out for signs of manipulative behavior.

If you and your partner have committed to being together, certain strategies for non-ADHD partners can help foster a strong relationship.

Here’s how you can play your role in maintaining the passion and love in your relationship:

Learn and read up about ADHD. By understanding the symptoms better, you can avoid misunderstandings and focus more on the true intentions behind their actions. Support your partner’s efforts to seek help or treatment. If they want someone to accompany them for their first doctor’s visit or wish to seek couples counseling, try your best to be supportive. Create a safe place for your partner. They might be struggling with their symptoms or facing trouble at work. If they need someone to talk to, set aside time to comfort and encourage them.

Most importantly, remember to practice self-care.

All relationships take effort and work. And since you can’t pour from an empty cup, keeping your cup full gives you a larger bandwidth to be loving and patient with your partner.

How to Ride the Ups and Downs of Dating With ADHD

Dating with ADHD comes with considerable ups and downs.

To manage this, honest and caring communication is crucial. Learning to communicate effectively requires effort from both sides, but it will be worth it.

It’s also essential for both of you to establish your own boundaries and honor those of the other person.

When you’re both dedicated to making it work, a happy, lasting relationship is achievable.

If you’re interested in learning more about building relationships with ADHD, check out the ADDA+ online support group Loving and Living With ADHD Couples Connecting.

This resource hub for adult ADHDers offers expert-backed advice, knowledge, and tools that help people with ADHD understand their symptoms better and build meaningful relationships with those around them.

References

[1] Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 7, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t3/

[2] Huang, C. (2022). A Snapshot Into ADHD: The Impact of Hyperfixations and Hyperfocus From Adolescence to Adulthood. Journal of Student Research, 11(3). https://doi.org/10.47611/jsrhs.v11i3.2987

[3] Blum, K., Chen, A. L., Braverman, E. R., Comings, D. E., Chen, T. J., Arcuri, V., Blum, S. H., Downs, B. W., Waite, R. L., Notaro, A., Lubar, J., Williams, L., Prihoda, T. J., Palomo, T., & Oscar-Berman, M. (2008). Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment, 4(5), 893–918. https://doi.org/10.2147/ndt.s2627

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