When things get difficult who do you as a parent, husband, wife, son, daughter, brother, sister, friend turn to? As a Parent / Carer who do you have to support you? Having a support system in place is one...
When things get difficult who do you as a parent, husband, wife, son, daughter, brother, sister, friend turn to? As a Parent / Carer who do you have to support you? Having a support system in place is one of the most valuable assets any human can have especially those of us that raise and Care for our children. Having children with special needs and Hearing loss and mental health is exhausting and can at times take over my life.
Having a support network isn’t always easy though. Some of us struggle with family who don’t understand and who can be unsupportive and judgmental and friends that distance themselves from you. You may be like me, I seem to have a habit of distancing myself, keeping others at arms length as if some part of me is trying to protect them or me. I feel guilt if I offload my feelings and I have become adept at hiding behind poker faces and closed doors either that or totally losing my shit over the smallest of things.
For me though it all came to a head the other day, a DLA (disability living allowance) form dropped through the door, coupled with an EHC plan referral form, Point 1 ( childrens talking service) parent needs assessment form, a Hospital appointment form and my head and heart just wanted to explode. I actually sat there and cried. To someone on the outside this may seem crazy behaviour but for those of us caring for a child with special needs/ disabilities this is unfortunately a common occurrence and something that we can all relate to. Every step you take is dogged with forms, assumptions, judgments and its also a fight. You have to fight for everything that your child is entitled to and they do not make it easy at all, there are days you just want to hide away but you know that if you do your child will not get that they need in order to live as “normally” as they can.
My sister’s, bless them happen to text most days, even though we haven’t been able to see each other in person due to lockdown they are both there on the end of the phone. I don’t know if its the bond between us but they have no problem picking up on my mood and will always ask me if I am ok? Such a simple word… Ok…. but how many people in your day, week, month, ask you if your ok? On bad days this one word has the power to open the floodgates and makes me in to a blubbering wreck. More people should ask ” are you ok?” and get conversations started, even if they can do nothing to help that one sentence can make a difference to how a person is feeling. During lockdown ITV has a campaign going called “Get Britain talking”, as humans we need to communicate, we need to feel the bond and empathy from another human being. As parents of children who need so much more of our time, care, support and love its sometimes easy to forget that we are also human beings, with feelings and thoughts and needs. If no one has anyone to reach out to, I am always here to listen, chat to and to ask you ‘Are you ok?”
So just before Christmas my husband and sister both said there was something different about me, I was losing my temper, becoming reclusive, moody, not sleeping and that maybe I needed to ask for help. At that point I realised that gain my own mental health has taken a slight tumble. For me these warning signs are when I start to realise I need some extra support. I don’t want to go on tablets, I actually have a real stomach turning fear of antidepressants from growing up with family members taking them but sometimes it’s not a case of me letting myself or others down, it’s not a stigma having these feelings and needing help, if the GP feels I need something then I want to be able to be strong enough to accept that help and get well. I am frightened to death that my Non epileptic attacks are going to start again. So I am back on the sleeping pills. No judgement, no beating myself up, no thinking I am failing – I’m not, medication doesn’t make me who I am, I’m strong, I’m Mum, friend, sister, daughter, carer, I am just me.
Family
If like me you struggle to recognize how your feeling write down your triggers in a diary, on a sticky note, on your phone then write down how you feel when your happy and feeling safe, Emotionally stable and healthy and put them somewhere safe to refer to. Then if your suddenly thinking one day I feel a bit down, or why am I crying? look at your list and if anything has changed please talk to someone wether it’s a family member, friend or professional or even one of the many support groups. Share how you are feeling and seek help if you are feeling too overwhelmed.
Do not suffer alone!!! You may think you have no one to turn to but there is always someone wether it’s on the phone, a charity or someone that surprises you. It’s hard YES it can be embarrassing YES but you are just as important as your children and looking after number 1 is part of parenting and caring.
Xx Leanne xx