So the letters arrived from birth mother.
I wasn't sure how I felt as I opened the letter within a letter. But what I found and my own reactions surprised me immensely.
Birth mum had written a very basic letter - but it wasn't emotional, very matter of fact and, amazingly, a simple thank you letter to Papa and I for taking care of 'her' boys. She talked about her favourite things, her family, her pets - it was as if I was reading a letter from a child. Then I had to remember that she wasn't much older than KC when she became pregnant.
Then I opened the other letters - they were thank you cards, one for me and one for Papa and a separate card wishing the boys all the best for their future, may they follow their dreams type thing...
TJ had said that he didn't want to read it and I told him he didn't have to. He has every right to be angry with her but, in the end he wanted to look at it. He said it 'intrigued' him. He was very matter of fact about the whole thing. Then he wanted to look back at his 'Life Story' book. I've always edited this before whenever I've looked at it with him. But this time he read it by himself, including the really 'difficult' bits about the abuse undergone by both boys and what 'neglect' actually meant.
After he went through it all - he gave it me back and asked me to put it away. He simply shrugged and said, "I don't remember any of that.' For that I am very grateful.
He then went to play on his Playstation - life continues as normal.
Then it came to KC. I left the letters out and told him he could read them by himself if he wanted or with me, it was up to him. He shrugged and went out.
I left the letters and his Life Story book on the dining table for a few days.
Then yesterday, as I took him to his cadet club, I asked him if he had had a look at the letters.
He simply stared ahead and quite calmly said, "I have no interest in that woman. TJ told me what she said and I really don't care.'
I started to take to him about it and he stopped me. It was his calmness that worried me most.
"Don't use the 'therapy' voice", he said, "I'm old enough to decide if I want to read a letter... and I don't. I don't want anything to do with her and I'm not interested in her card."
The idea of my 'therapy' voice made us both laugh.
As he went into his cadet group I told him I was proud of him and would support whatever decision he made.
He looked back and said, 'That's all I want, for you to be proud of me - not her."
I sat in the car for a while before returning home and putting the letters away.
I still don't know how I feel...
On the one hand I am sorry for her but on the other she was instrumental in the abuse and neglect of my children. It's a tough one... but it must be much tougher for our boys...
