Still here. Still trucking. Hope and I are experiencing a nice peaceful period. It�s nice. It�s also kind of triggering in its own way. Hope and I have had a difficult few years dealing with major bouts of anxiety,...

Still here. Still trucking.

Hope and I are experiencing a nice peaceful period. It�s nice.

It�s also kind of triggering in its own way. Hope and I have had a difficult few years dealing with major bouts of anxiety, depression, the pandemic, and �fits.� Many of the last 3ish years feel like a bunch of previous challenging years all smooshed together.

It�s been hard.

But we�re still here, and Hope is as close to thriving as I�ve seen in a good long while. She is still employed, but she�s also looking for a different job. We�ve identified a new therapist; everyone has adjusted meds in the last few months. Things are good, something like normal.

And yet, during these drama-lacking periods, I find myself waiting for the bottom to drop out. I don�t trust it. I�ve become so practiced at coping through incredibly difficult periods that I feel like I�ve forgotten what normal feels like. I�m actually still anxious. And because the body doesn�t forget, I know that we are coming up on a triggering time for Hope. Her birthday and the anniversary of her parent�s death. I don�t think that Hope realizes that those few weeks in June/July are the danger zone, but I�ve learned to steel myself.

I�m hopeful that we can stay in this zone. I�ve really got some trauma around this block of time. So I�ve tipped off my therapist, trying to plan some fun things for myself and hoping I can keep this family train on the tracks. I�m so excited by how far we�ve come in the last 5 months, but are we stable enough? We�re not where I�d like us to be, but I�m so grateful for the progress that�s been made. And yet still�Scared!

I�m getting better at picking my battles. I let a lot of things go. I�m also realizing just how much my head injury has affected my life. Sometimes I get so frustrated by how that brief collision changed me. It doesn�t help that I also developed seasonal photophobia. The angle of the sun for several weeks before and after the summer equinox are brutal for me. My brain doesn�t process the light well. These lingering symptoms are super frustrating, especially since they coincide with our family�s most challenging time of the year.

I�m low-key terrified.

Somehow I hope to get reacquainted with normal so that it�s not so scary. I�m hopeful we�ll have a super boring start to our summer.

Stay tuned.

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