Birdy spent a couple of days in hospital recently. It's not the first time this has happened and these days we tend to be better prepared, so, before I loaded everyone in the car at 5 am, I threw...
Birdy spent a couple of days in hospital recently. It's not the first time this has happened and these days we tend to be better prepared, so, before I loaded everyone in the car at 5 am, I threw a few things into a bag - whatever drinks and snacks I could grab from the cupboard, the kids' tablets and chargers, all the spare change I had. I also made a large instant coffee in an insulated mug and brought it with me.You need to do this if you're going to hospital with your child because you will need change for the car park. You will need lots of change because it costs £8 for 24 hours, the machine only takes coins, and the hospital shop will not change notes for you.
You will also need change for the vending machine in A&E as this will be the only way you can get food and drink for yourself and either of your two children. When you're a single parent, there's nobody to leave by your sick child's bedside while you go in search of a coffee, or a snack for the non-poorly child who was roused at 4.45 am and has had no breakfast.
By 9 am, Birdy was admitted on to the ward. Once your child is admitted, they will be fed hospital meals but you, as the parent staying with them, will not. The ward staff will tell you that you can make a coffee in the parents' room, and get food and drink from the hospital shop, or the cafe. Except to do these things, you have to leave your child's bedside. This is not always possible. Both the shop and the cafe are closed by 8pm, so you can't even wait until your child goes to sleep for the night and sneak off.
I know all of this, so I throw a few things in the bag before we leave. I also have a few other tricks I won't mention. We get by quite well, but the young mother whose baby was admitted onto our 4-bedded side ward at 10 pm was not so experienced.
I know this young mum was not experienced, and also that she was at risk of losing her baby, because, from behind our bed curtains, I heard two people who may have been social workers, having a conversation with her and her partner about it at her baby's bedside without even going to the trouble of using hushed voices. There was no discretion whatsoever. I will not further demean this lady by sharing here what I should never have heard, but it was the kind of sad tale I have unfortunately heard too often before.
Perhaps I could have popped my head around the curtain and said something. What I did instead, hoping to save the mum's embarrassment, was pretend to be asleep, and act as if I'd heard nothing.
The next morning, the partner was gone and the social workers were gone. I was quite taken up with Birdy who was feeling better and needed a lot of entertaining, but at some point I noticed that young mum had left her baby sleeping in the cot, and gone off the ward. After a few minutes he woke up and started crying. Shortly after that, a healthcare worker (I can't say 'nurse' because I don't understand the colour code of the uniforms so I'm not certain) came to comfort the baby.
At almost the same time, mum returned. The healthcare worker turned to her and said, "He's been crying and crying. You can't go off and leave him crying like that!"
Mum looked crushed. She spent the rest of the day sitting by his cot. We were there until Birdy was discharged at 4 pm. Nobody visited her. I didn't see her have a drink or any food. The baby slept a lot. She slept a lot too, in the chair.
As we got up to go, I asked her if she any food with her, or any money for food. She did not. She said she was hoping they could go home soon, but she was waiting for the social workers to say it was ok.
I have waited for social workers enough times to know that it can take a while. I packed up Birdy's things and we went to the shop. I got some pop and a packet of biscuits - nothing really - and walked back up to the ward. I asked one of the members of staff behind the reception desk if it was breaking any protocols for one of them to give it to the mum for me.
They looked pretty confused. They didn't smile or move to take the little bag. I left them and went to find the nurse who had looked after Birdy. I explained it to her. She also looked confused.
I really had to spell it out.
"She's on her own. She's not had anything to eat or drink all day and she can't leave her baby's bedside. I've been there and it's really hard! It's just a drink and some biscuits."
"Oh, right," said the nurse. "I see what you mean." She took it and promised to deliver it.
This is not a blog about how I got someone some biscuits. Neither is it a blog demanding that NHS hospitals should provide free meals to all and sundry. Neither am I criticising the nurse, who did a great job of looking after Birdy.
No. This is a blog about how somewhere, someone is judging whether that young mum is fit to raise her baby - and I feel fairly certain that the professionals who interacted with her in the hospital will be asked their opinion - and yet nobody seems to even notice that the mum herself is not having her most basic needs met.
And this was not due to her own failing, but to the difficulties that all parents face when accompanying their child to the hospital - difficulties which crash down even harder on those who have no reliable support network.
It makes me fume to think that someone may have written "left her baby crying in a hospital cot" on some notes in a file, but it did not occur to a single person that this obviously struggling mum might need a little extra help to get something as simple as a bag of crisps and a drink.
Our structural integrity is failing.