Much of self-help conditions you to ask questions of yourself that will only ever enhance the problem you face. You can start by breaking the pattern here.
Me asking you — a stranger —"are you unhappy?" has likely triggered something within you. And perhaps not in a good way? Unless you think I'm Willy Wonka here to present you with the golden ticket: Happiness.
It's a polarizing question — one I suspect many loved ones would be terrified to ask regardless of whether they preface it as "happy" or "unhappy" for fear of the answer...
"No."
"Fuck, I've dug myself a grave here. Tell me more, I guess..."
To be "unhappy" is deemed negative because, well, "happy" is deemed positive, and they are quite literally the opposite. Go figure!
Here's where it gets interesting:
Studies suggest if asked, "are you unhappy?" you will begin to evaluate your life, scanning for areas that confirm you are, in fact, unhappy. This bias applies to all negative emotions.
Cue every personal development blog or video...
"Do you ever feel lonely, anxious, depressed, isolated, disrespected, worthless, or angry?"
Well, duh, of course you do — you're human!
However, you are now being primed for that negativity to be a focal point in your life. And that, consequently, can really fuck up your mental health!
It also happens for positive emotions, but happy, content people are useless in self-help. Misery is what they want pumping through your veins!
I'll give you a personal example:
A friend I saw for the first time in years recently asked me if I was happy? I've probably been asked this question less than five times in my life, so I was shocked.
As I type, I've had a few laughs today, and I'm feeling happy. Not Willy Wonka happy — I'm content. A few weeks ago, when he asked me, all sorts of shit was going wrong — I was anything but happy.
Here's how I answered him: "Right now chatting to you, yes, I am happy. But, in general, absolutely NOT. Here's what I'm doing to remedy it..."
If he asked me, "are you unhappy?" I would have had a field day! But I was primed to take stock of what made me happy, not that which made me unhappy. It put me in a more positive headspace.
It's why asking people "what's good?" as opposed to "what's wrong?" can be so powerful — it forces them out of their conventional way of thinking toward gratitude.
In essence, you can direct others to focus on either the good or the bad. However, it is far easier to yield toward the bad due to our brain's negativity bias.
The media are spectacular at this — at making us see only all that is wrong with the world! However, they're not going to change. So fuck 'em...
You? Me? We?
All of us can change. So that's where our focus needs to be — on what we can control.
This is not a cut-and-dry slice of the pie: Although far easier than the alternative — misery — change is challenging. There are also too many variables to consider that would require an in-depth conversation for life-changing advice and direction to take place here.
Now, let's loop in anxiety due to its ferociousness and the all-mighty power it holds over so many:
Anxiety is an emotion we've been conditioned to view as a mental illness, making it easy for those who experience it to spiral rapidly into the abyss where their anxiety significantly intensifies.
And on and on it goes. Thus, increasing the likelihood of developing a full-blown disorder. Before long, we fail to notice the role our inner dialogue plays in it all — Am I anxious? Am I going to be anxious? If I do this, I'll be anxious!
Sound familiar?
These are questions and statements the anxiety sufferer constantly whisper to themselves, inevitably priming them for more severe anxiety.
Again, this is nuanced: If you asked Willy Wonka if he's unhappy, he'd think you're a nut because his entire identity is built on happiness and, therefore, is indestructible.
**I should probably Google the Willy Wonka story because I'm not entirely sure that's accurate, but I digress...**
I believe there is an identity crisis with anxiety and mental health, in general.
So many who suffer from anxiety have been conditioned to build their identity around anxiety. In doing so, they have made it the dominant indestructible force in their life.
You have to give yourself a fighting chance:
You can start by being privy to your environment and all you consume that contributes to your problems and begin to eliminate, cleanse, or distance yourself from them so you can kick off the process of elevating yourself to higher highs and higher lows.
That's easy. The real challenge arises when you're ready to look in the mirror and work daily to change the bullshit stories you've been telling yourself for too long that will continue to make it near impossible to change unless addressed.
So yes, who you listen to and how people speak to you matters. However, not nearly as much as how you speak to yourself. That's where the real work needs to take place.
Just a thought!