Hi all, I've met plenty people on this journey and we will be forever bonded by the similarities in our stories. I've always wanted this one person to be a special guest on my blog. I was over the...
Hi all,
I've met plenty people on this journey and we will be forever bonded by the similarities in our stories. I've always wanted this one person to be a special guest on my blog. I was over the moon when she agreed. If you relate to the post at all, know that you are not alone... and we are here for you.
x,
N
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I’ve been meaning to put this all down. I told
myself I would, because I wanted to remember what we went through to become
parents; all the ups and downs, the insides and outs of it all. Lo and behold,
out of the blue – I get the opportunity to share my story here as a guest
blogger. Thank you dear, FN <3 I dedicate this on the most part to you,
because your kind heart shared valuable information that would change the
course of the path I would walk on in this life.
The year was 2017. We had been married for
over three years and of course, as many married couples know, that ONE question
would play like a broken record – “alum kamu
beranak?” The alternatives would be, “alum
ada kah?” / “alum kau berisi?” with judging looks or smirks; comparing us
to other couples that have been married a few months and were already pregnant.
Some would go as far as, “inda kamu mau anak kah?”. Trust me,
there were much worse questions I’ve been asked, but that’s a whole new topic
to write about. Yes, it hurts to be asked those questions. To the point where
you just want to avoid going to functions or skip Hari Raya completely and fly
off on vacation, because there’s a 100% chance you’ll be asked that. It doesn’t
help to see that somehow everyone around you were having babies or they could
just trip and get pregnant. Sorry, I really was that bitter and sad back then. I gained a lot of weight as well and
was at my heaviest maybe 1-2 years after getting married, from emotional eating
and feeling depressed.
Truth of the matter is, I always wanted to
be a mom. Even as a teenager - I knew that I always wanted to have children one
day, and have them as soon as possible after getting married! Scratch the
honeymoon phase! We tried and prayed to be blessed with our own children. All
the prayers, the doas to be blessed with your own offspring – I can recite them
all by heart. Things didn’t go as we planned. We even took fertility tests around
a year after getting married (yes, I was that
desperate!), but it was taking a toll on us financially and with work and
everything else going on, we just decided to take a break from it all and focus
on ourselves and our health.
August 2017. My mother heard someone wanted to give away
their newborn baby boy and introduced me to the idea of adoption. I had never
really thought about it. My plan all along was: Get married, get pregnant and
give birth to our babies. Work was busy at the time, so I kind of shrugged it
off and didn’t process it all properly… but I asked my husband what he thought,
his reply was, “If you want to, then I’m
with you.” I know how badly my
mother wanted grandchildren, feeling the pressure, I told her, “Bah, mana saja, Ma…”. I was feeling
50/50 about it all, but began to prepare myself mentally. I was going to be a
mom. Not the ‘conventional’ way and definitely not the way I planned. I was
starting to feel excited and found myself smiling like a fool, driving alone in
my car lost in my own thoughts that this could finally be happening for
us. I even started looking up male baby
names, possible names for our son.
A week later, my mom called me. The birth
mother changed her mind. I was speechless. I felt like a ton of bricks were
dropped on top of me; crushing me instantly. I guess I just realized how badly
I wanted this child. I remember crying in my car on the way home and the rain
was pouring (yes, sounds dramatic, but
it’s true!). Maybe so that people driving passed couldn’t see me ugly cry
that hard in my car. A song was playing, with these lyrics blasting so
appropriately:
They say there’s one chance you get
They say there’s one life you live, but there’s only one you…
Don’t want to think about it right now
I’ll put this love in a bottle and I’ll go to the beach,
Lose this pain and sorrow as it flows out to sea,
And if it’s you, if it’s you, if it’s you…you’ll come back to me
But for now I’ll be right here with the memories
All my emotions in this pre-chorus. The
thought that my husband and I would become parents was only lent to us. Then, just like that, it was taken away from
us. I told myself, I guess it’s not our rezeki, maybe it just wasn’t meant for
us. To cope with my grieving, I kept myself occupied and busy. With that news,
I cried it all out then dove into my work, went to as many spinning classes I
could go to, to just forget about it all. Don’t even get me started on my
mother - she was just so upset, she just deleted the photos she received of
that newborn baby boy from her phone and she would go on and on about how
upsetting it all was.
I can’t recall exactly, but maybe a week
later, whilst in a meeting, my phone rang. I excused myself to answer this
call; there was news that the birth mother changed her mind again – she was
quite young with financial difficulties and wouldn’t be able to support her
son. They asked, “Can you pick him up
this afternoon when you’re off from work?” Another moment of being
speechless, but I asked them to give me a few minutes while I called my
husband. My husband, again replying, “If
you want to go for it, then I’m with you.”
I was shaking. This was it. Just like that
song, if it was meant to be him, he would come back to us. This was really
going to happen. Over the phone, they told me that they had some essential baby
items to last the next few days, so we didn’t need to rush or shop for
everything immediately. I got off work as soon as it was 4.30pm and hurried to
meet my husband. We drove to the address where our future awaited us.
When we entered the house, they asked us to
sit down while they prepared his items and were going to bring him out. I felt
like I was holding my breath waiting for him, I just kept fidgeting and tapping
my right foot. The birth mother brought him out and I could see from her face
that this wasn’t easy for her. Without a word, she placed a 12-day old baby boy
in my arms with a sad, yet relieved expression. I could feel that she was
entrusting me to raise this boy as my own. As I awkwardly adjusted my arms to
cradle him, she looked at me with earnest eyes and said, “Thank you for doing
this.” She smiled at me, wiping away her tears...but I was the thankful one! I
was receiving a priceless gift; a child, a human being! I told her that my husband
and I would do everything in our power to take the best care of him and raise
him; that she wouldn’t have to worry. She nodded and smiled at me again. I felt
like she was reassured that she was doing the right thing, even though it could
very well be the hardest decision she would ever have to make.
I observed that he was bundled in a thin,
ragged and discoloured towel which broke my heart. In that moment, I made my
heart speak to this baby and tell him that I would be his mommy and I would
give him everything that he needs and more. I still keep this towel that we
received him in from that very day, to serve as a constant reminder that I
would always do my best to give him everything he needs and deserves.
So, there he was in my arms. Is this what it
feels like to be a mom? You look at them and you just know they’re yours, that
they’re the most beautiful thing you have ever laid your eyes on. Is this what
women feel after they give birth, to see and hold their babies for the very
first time? I really do hope that I got to feel even just an ounce of that,
with this boy in my arms that I just couldn’t take my eyes off and never wanted
to let go of.
It was almost 6 o’clock – you know what
that means – Maghrib was approaching, and with a baby in tow, we needed to go
home. I was anticipating bringing our baby boy to my mother, I hadn’t told her
the news and wanted to surprise her. Unplanned, we walked into the house and
found my mother in the kitchen standing with her phone in her hands as it was
plugged into the wall. “Hi Ma,” I
said casually, waiting for her to notice. It took a few seconds for her to
yell, “ANAK SIAPA KAU AMBIL ANI?!?!”
I told her, that this was him; the baby we were going to be given all along.
She cried, taking him from my arms, “Ya
Allah, lai… anak ani yang inda besalah inda bedusa…panggil dorang adi beradimu,
suruh tia turun!” – my sisters came downstairs and so to cut the story short;
it was a crying fest in the kitchen.
After our crying ended, it was the baby’s
turn to cry. Almost two hours had passed and he was hungry. Earlier on, we were
given a blue basket with his items, containing some clothes, towels, a bag of
diapers, two baby bottles and his formula milk. Since we had no experience and didn’t
have a clue what to do, my mother quickly went into action to make his milk and
started verbally listing out things we needed to buy. With not much time to
think and digest that we welcomed a baby home; we rushed out to buy what we
could because we only had less than two hours before shops closed for the
night.
Exhausted from the shopping and setting up
the cot and other essentials, we finally lay our baby down in his bed for the
night. I gave in early and lied down with the baby’s cot right next to my side
of the bed. I would jolt up every now and then just to check on him, but my
husband was already there, leaning on the side of the cot, just smiling and
watching our son sleeping peacefully. Babies are truly breathtaking; they
really are such a blessing and we were definitely feeling this even during our
first night with him.
Being totally new to this experience, we
came to find out how frequently babies need to be fed and what any parent mean
about ‘sleepless nights’ within the first few months of a baby’s life. Bear in
mind, all of this was unplanned and unexpected, so I didn’t apply for leave
beforehand and still had to work the next day even though I was sleep-deprived.
As tired as we felt, we knew evermore so how blessed we were, Alhamdulillah. We
adjusted to this new routine and lives with our baby boy the next few months.
[End of Part 1]
