Re-establishing your life after years of control is HARD – even when you’re Britney Spears. And without her privilege and wealth, the challenges can feel overwhelming.

When you have suffered years of controlling behaviour and are told that you are incapable of making good decisions for yourself, on some level, you believe it. This makes leaving the relationship complex – and once you do, it’s only the first step in recovering a sense of self-determination. It can take time and hard work to release yourself from the damage a STBX has done to your self-esteem and independence.

The rise of pop psychology, particularly across social media, has seen terms like ‘narcissist’ become part of the vernacular. But with only around 1% of the population being diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the chances of everyone having a narc for an ex is highly unlikely. Additionally, the belief that perpetrators of coercive control must be mentally ill or have a personality disorder like NPD is a myth.

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There are personality disorders with traits that are similar to coercive control tactics like manipulation, control, and a need for power. However, not everyone who has a personality disorder will become an abuser and not every abuser has a personality disorder. Similarly, perpetrators can have a mental illness, but most people with a mental illness are not abusive. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for controlling behaviour within a relationship.

In fact, a common theme for coercive control perpetrators is a deeply engrained belief about male dominance as a right. Society conditions boys and men* to believe they must be in control, to be physically and mentally superior – and this can lead abusers to view their controlling behaviour as appropriate.

The reality is that whether your STBX is really a narcissist or not is irrelevant. Coercive control is incredibly debilitating for the victim. Leaving and then living through the challenges of divorcing a control freak requires support. You don’t have to go through this alone.

* Please note, Statistically, most perpetrators are men, but other genders can be abusers.

Coercive control divorce is complex. After years of being told you’re not competent to make decisions, it’s only natural to doubt your choices. Well-meaning family and friends may want to advise you, but it’s possible they don’t have the full picture. Remember that perpetrators of coercive control are often very charming out in the world and may be considered a ‘good person’ by mutual friends.

Empower yourself with a team of professionals who can ensure you make smart decisions that will set you up for a bright and self-determined future.