My Nico is so intuitive. He has always been able to empathize with others’ feelings. He isn’t always able to communicate his own feelings in the appropriate manner—apologizing for hurting himself when he should be focused on his pain,...
My Nico is so intuitive. He has always been able to empathize with others’ feelings. He isn’t always able to communicate his own feelings in the appropriate manner—apologizing for hurting himself when he should be focused on his pain, crying when he should be celebrating a milestone, or laughing when something sad has occurred—but he knows exactly what others are feeling even if they aren’t outwardly expressing their feelings.
When I’ve been sad or sick, he is very affectionate and he uses his words to let me know he sees that I’m sick or unhappy. When I’m frustrated or overly stressed, he tries to make me feel better by showing me how well he can listen and behave even if my frustration has nothing to do with him.
If I am getting upset with my little guy, Nico will try to get his brother to listen and behave. It doesn’t always work, but he tries to quiet him down so I don’t get more upset with him for not listening.
Nico just always seems to know. To the naked eye, it may seem like he is in his own world, and a lot of the time he is, but he hears and sees everything. I’m sure of it.
My father’s health has suddenly declined in the last two months and Nico has certainly picked up on it.
Nico has always been very close with his grandpa. My dad was one of the few people Nico could tolerate being around in his early years when he was showing signs of autism. He couldn’t be around a lot of people, even family, without getting agitated or overly emotional, but my dad could always help calm him down.
The last time Nico had spent time with my father there were no signs that he was unwell. He was staying with us for a couple of weeks and Nico loved being with him. I would find him and my dad relaxing in bed, Nico on his iPad and my dad watching his old westerns on TV. They would fall asleep together and I was shocked that Nico never seemed affected by my father’s insanely loud snoring. As soon as my dad would head up to his bedroom, Nico would follow with his blanket and iPad. It was so endearing. Actually both of my boys would follow their grandpa upstairs and lay with him for hours.
When Nico saw my father most recently, he immediately knew his grandpa was not himself. My dad was not connecting with Nico in the ways Nico was used to and my son instantly knew something was wrong.
It broke my heart when he cupped my father’s face in his hands and said (as if he spoke naturally like this all the time), “Hi,Grandpa! How are you? Are you ok?”
It took everything in my power not to break down in tears when he asked him that, but I didn’t want to confuse or concern Nico anymore than he already was. My dad just smiled at Nico, spoke no words, but just let Nico continue to touch his face and hold his hand, which is exactly what he did until we had to leave.
We threw my father an 80th birthday party during this most recent visit and although he was not well, seeing his grandsons dance had him smiling ear to ear. He seemed so present at his party that I thought maybe he just had a little health mishap or needed a change in his medication, but overall he’d bounce back.
I no longer feel so optimistic.
I am worried that my father is slipping away from us and I am the most scared for how it is going to affect my sons, especially Nico. It’s all happening so fast and I fear that the grandpa they both know and adore is not the grandpa they are going to have anymore.
And Nico is going to see the changes and feel the changes very deeply.
It’s just so incredibly unfair too because my son has very few connections to people like he has with my father, and this bond is what has given me hope since he uses so many words with my father. I have heard him talk to my dad in full sentences. He doesn’t even speak to me as much as he does with my dad and I am the one giving him constant care and attention. I would sneak upstairs at times to check on them and I would hear Nico and my father talking. It was so special.
My father is not recognizing faces. He’s not remembering who very important people in his life are, and I just can’t fathom him not being able to recognize his grandsons. Nico will surely pick up on this if, and when, it happens and I just can’t bear the thought.
Nico’s autism has certainly brought with it a wide range of emotions and challenges, but what has always kept me feeling hopeful and optimistic about this journey we’re on with him is the fact that Nico feels things so deeply and knows how to show love at the most pinnacle moments.
I just pray that Nico’s love and intuition will keep my father present with us for as long as possible. Seeing Nico and Max will be enough to pull him through whatever it is that has taken hold of him.
My father told me shortly after Nico was born that Nico saved his life. He gave him a purpose again. And when I had Max, he told me that he felt like he was born again. His grandsons are his life. I would tease him and say, “Wow..what are your children? Chopped liver?” He’d laugh and of course reassure me that he loved all of us with all his heart. But, to be honest, I have absolutely loved knowing how in love my dad is with my children. It has brought such joy to my life knowing my father has felt happiness and love in these years since my Mom has been gone.
We all deserve to feel loved and to be happy as much as humanly possible, especially my father. Nico and Max have certainly given their grandfather so much to live for in these last eleven years.
So, Dad…your grandsons are here…we’re all here…waiting to live life with you and I want us to do just that. We still have so much to do together! So, let’s go!
We love you.
