Transparently, I thought I would feel more unexpected emotions. I thought, in some aspects, there would be this tremendous sexual awakening where I would feel some hidden power I did not know was there. That might sound a little...
My name is Lili; I am 26 years old and have been working on
Ranches independently all over the West since I was 18.
I have three horses and two dogs. My passions and goals align with making better horses every day and improving stockmanship skills overall. It sounds somewhat simple, but it takes a lot of reflection, studying, listening, and feeling to create animals that are independently happy and willing with and for you. It's difficult to do if you are not open to working on your vices and building on your strengths. I am not sure what that means ten plus years from now. The world is changing so much, but I feel as though I am doing the right things'-- I am not entirely sure of my goals in the grand scheme.
Within this realm of the agriculture industry (ranching and cowboying) that independent macho men mostly dominate, sometimes it is hard to remember that your feminity is a massive part of what you bring to the table. Women will often suppress their feminine spirit to appear more reliable and independent. Though these things are without suppression, there is a feeling of needing to appear more masculine. It is not necessarily always due to sexist biases but more because being a cowboy is an incredibly physical job that is hard on you. It requires a lot of strength, and grit takes a lot to muster when you are working bad bulls by yourself up in the hills, and you and your horse have already traveled 25 miles that day without much water. But there is flow in all of this. There is flow in the wind, pastures, and how cattle, horses, and humans work together. "The heat and the blood and the heat in the blood that runs through them."... But honestly, I have seldom experienced or worked on my personal and divine feminine flow. When working in pursuit of something, it's hard to remember that it's all to feel some wholeness within yourself.
I wanted to open up as my own.
In the weeks leading up to the boudoir shoot, I felt more and more gratitude every day for my body, what it does for me, and what I can do for it. I am so thankful to Molly for allowing the space to be embraced in something I have often tried to hide. That's why I wanted to do the shoot. I wanted to step back and lean forward into parts of myself that are their own unexamined and wild territory.
Taking the first step of booking the shoot fueled these emotions. The excitement of the adventure of it and the fantastic portfolio Molly has!
Honestly, I have always struggled with a sense of self.
There are so many perspectives you can take when self-reflecting. Sometimes, I am bold and exciting and take pressure off of others around me. Other times, I think I am a terrible listener and suck up all the oxygen in the room and don't ask enough questions. Sometimes, I think I am beautiful and then will see a picture, not recognize the person in it, and then hate that person. During my session, I just focused on trying to be loose. It was frigid out in the high desert of central Oregon. I love cold. I decided to focus on the wind and the air the most. Plus, Molly's gentle instruction of breathing and posing. Her guidance helped a lot.
Molly made me feel so comfortable. There were no emotional mountains and valleys throughout the session. It just all felt incredibly normal.
Transparently, I thought I would feel more unexpected emotions. I thought, in some aspects, there would be this tremendous sexual awakening where I would feel some hidden power I did not know was there. That might sound a little dramatic, but I sometimes feel pretty suppressed, so I was expecting a lot from myself. But I can't stress enough how important it is to me that everything felt normal. That, in its own right, meant a lot to me. I was comfortable. And because of that, I felt like I could just be myself.
I could be myself without underestimating myself.
In the days after my boudoir session, I felt a little worried. Since I do struggle so much with the differences I see in the mirror vs. what I see in photos, I was concerned that a fantastic photographer and camera and backdrop would not shield me from the mild dysmorphia I feel sometimes. Molly was entirely amazing and accepting and positive during the entire shoot. But In the past, I could always blame the phone camera or the friend or boyfriend for taking the photo from the wrong angle. I felt so calm, normal, unhinged, and more like myself than I ever had during the session... but what if these pictures would validate my prior concerns? I was unsure how to handle that information if it were true and that I would not like this authentic version of myself.
Thank goodness, that could not have been farther from how I felt when I received the photos.
I looked at each one, seeing all the different versions of myself and happily accepting them.
When I got my photos, I felt like Molly captured an array of emotions within me. That was immensely clarifying. I wasn't analyzing anything into oblivion; I was flowing through a whole range of myself without trying to manipulate or control any of it. After seeing that, I have felt less like I have to BE anything in particular. It is so cool to see yourself in ways you have not before.
It is so cool to SEE yourself.
If you are interested in doing this, do it. I hate to think of life as a fleeting thing-- but if it is within your means and of interest, take advantage of the opportunity to get to know yourself. I do not believe we exist to do everything we can in life while we still can, but more to figure out where we, as stripped-down beings, fit into it all. Like an honest and continued returning to where we come from through all phases of life. Documenting where you are at any given moment is so cool. Personally, I have loved looking at my photos because they remind me that I am more than what I am every day when trying to fit into social norms and please others.
It is beautiful to be able to look back at yourself being brave and unencumbered.
I hope to do one of these shoots again! Thank you, Molly!
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