In March of 2011, our son James died at 22 weeks gestation. He died. He was to be our third child. Hope, John, and James. John and James were called the sons of thunder in the bible. When we...
In March of 2011, our son James died at 22 weeks gestation. He died. He was to be our third child. Hope, John, and James. John and James were called the sons of thunder in the bible. When we chose his name, I thought, What a prophetic image of powerful brothers In Christ! But, James died before he was even born.
This was the beginning of the horrific P.T.S.D. that had not surfaced in years.
My son Noah had been murdered 9 years prior to 2011. The death of James had triggered some long buried horrific images and memories that became an instant hell in my reality.
When I came home from the hospital after James was gone, I told Steve, “I need a couple of weeks by myself to think. I will be in the backyard. I am going to build a garden.” I took out all of my power tools and set to work. I turned soil, dug up roots, cut landscape timbers, drove rebar into the soil, and went through pound after pound of screws. I built this.
I was almost finished, there was just one more spot I wanted to build a tomato bed on. I looked down at the grass in the two foot by eight foot space and thought to myself, “This should only take an hour.”. The grass was lush, healthy, and a perfect shade of green really. It got the afternoon sun and was a prime spot for almost anything to grow. So, I stuck my spade shovel into the corner of the area and hit something hard. I figured it must be a rock, so I chose a different spot. I hit an even less forgiving obstruction. I moved to a new spot and hit something so hard my foot shot back off of the head of the shovel. Fine. I grabbed my pic axe and sharpened it up. I whaled down with all of my force into the ground and felt a distinctive “pop”. Huh, that was strange. I figured it must be an old root from where a nearby tree once stood. I threw the pic axe over my head and whaled down again with all my might and it stuck! I pulled my axe out and just started whaling away at the ground. I started pulling out these huge roots with so many fingers digging into the soil. I pulled them so hard, some of them sent me flying backwards! And they were deep! I felt the determination that comes with a drive to overpower any problem. I began to sweat and dirt started flying in every direction as I methodically worked the soil until I had what had become a three foot high by six foot pile of massive roots and vines. The more I whaled away at the roots and vines, the angrier I got. I started talking to the ground and telling it that I would have my way with it. It was going to be clean, the soil loose, and it was going to bear tomatoes. Giant beautiful tomatoes. I started talking to God out loud too. I was angry. He took my baby away, AGAIN. I had been talking to Him for two weeks out in my yard, with my children watching from the window. I wanted my peace back. I wanted the next good thing that was coming in my life.
But, I really wanted to stop only hearing my voice. “God, I know your here! I know you have been listening to me. I can’t HEAR you! What is this mess? Why did you take my baby? Why are you breaking me again? WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING TO ME?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ME?!”
At that moment, with muddy tears rolling down my face, I threw my pic axe and sat down hard on the ground.
In an instant God spoke to me in a way I had never experienced in my entire life. As I took breath in I was given a vision,
I saw the most vivid scene play out in my head. I saw the ground covered in perfect grass. The most perfect tomato plants began to spring up out of the soil. As fast as they grew, they bore no fruit, withered, and dried into a brown death. In the next instant I saw fresh brown soil. I saw tomato plants spring up out of the soil, grow to a massive size, and bear fruit that grew so heavy it pulled the branches toward the ground. There was an instantaneous statement imprinted into my mind. “I am going to pull the roots out of you so you can bear fruit as well.”
As I let the breath I had just taken in, out again, God had spoken to me.
I said, “Ok, pull the roots out. I am ready. I am not alone.”
This is where I choose to begin my story. This was the first time in my life I had said yes to God’s plan.
Faith
