Re-evaluating priorities. Does that equate to re-evaluating my life? The latter feels so heavy and daunting. Yet, so necessary and timely. I’ve been in social services, correction..had been..for 20 plus years. My heart is swollen a little from all...
Re-evaluating priorities. Does that equate to re-evaluating my life? The latter feels so heavy and daunting. Yet, so necessary and timely. I’ve been in social services, correction..had been..for 20 plus years. My heart is swollen a little from all the issues and problems faced, then hopefully solved. As a young person in social services, I had so much energy, heart and soul. Dedicated to a fault to help those disadvantaged. Always showing up, answering calls, losing sleep, dodging insults from both parents and clients alike-All in the name of advocacy. I truly believed that then and do now. I have everyone else’s best interest at heart first. Guilty people pleaser. Guilty of not knowing myself outside of work. Guilty of feeling Guilty…most of the time.
And here I am with a job well outside my “wheelhouse.” Not social service of any kind. Customer service, which is kinda, secretly woven into social work, is part of my new gig. However, I find it so hard to let us “normal” folks off the hook in the same way. When a client threw his cell phone or cussed me out, or I had to leave the environment for my safety, it made sense. It’s not a pass for unacceptable behavior, but a little more understanding behind said behavior. And maybe more room for teaching or modeling how to handle it next time. Of course….only on a good day that sentiment could be realized. But, for me, I could rest knowing it’s not personal. This person, client, has a disability and diagnosed impaired judgement.
That’s a long winded segue into now. Re-evaluation. I started applying for a county position in February. Some great and impactful jobs, do not have any retirement incentive. I took the highest paying job I was ever offered. Recrited for honestly. No retirement. Which on the face wasn’t my priority, whether I could do the job was the question. Just 3 weeks in and the job was not as promised and I was quickly working 50 hours per week. As someone with a bipolar disorder, I feel that’s too much. Especially at an unexpected times to fill in…later in the evenings, when I need to take medication and on weekends when rest is needed. I had to quit. My husband insisted I quit. I knew it. But did not want to be a quitter.
In the meantine, the county jobs I applied for started to happen. Divine intervention I think. Hard for me to process, but let it be. Now, I am at the county job. I do not like it. I think I don’t like it. Sometimes I do…mostly I don’t. Its all new, with new concepts. I’m not so good at that.
The pattern of my life, even at 47, is I’m not sure what I like or don’t like. What I’m actually good at or not. I took a lower paying lower stress job for me. For my mental health. For my marriage. AND the damn retirement.
In my mind, I gave up my favorite gym, I gave up meeting with my therapist weekly and just some relaxed mornings in general. ALL IN THE NAME OF LOWER STRESS and RETIREMENT. Any new job has stress. As a perfectionist, even more. But, off at 5-truly. No weekends. No making decisions for peoples lives. That is a little refreshing. Enter dealing with the public at large.
We live in an area where wild fires are now the norm. Its sad and scary. So far, we are blessed and have not lost our home. We had to flee in 2017 as we could see the fire from our front window. But, nowhere near actually losing everything. That, I cannot imagine. Now, in my new position, I deal with some people that are rebuilding from a fire. I want to honor those people and understand their frustration being stuck in this position. Stuck with coming to the county for assistance. I think I’m becoming that person. Understanding systems, protocols, and how to channel calls to the correct person. That, I really like. yet, I hate it. Constantly asking where is my gratitude.
Where is my damn gratitude? I have shared before that I have Bipolar as well as alcoholism. So, a drink seems to be the answer. I am so much better, engergetic, engaging and well… just better with alcohol in my system. This is my disease saying all this. “you killed it today-so customer service and handling business.” However, its not true. I miss details that are brought to my attention the next morning and I am filled with shame. Because I am not able to focus or be present or….
Priotiies. It feels like I had to go through that to get here. And acknowledge, I’m struggling. I’m not super human. I tend to want to way…”im only…..at this new job.” I have to re-evaluate. It’s an important job…the first line of folks needing help. Sometimes the last line as they are finally approved for the permit they needed. Paying with glee with a credit card to get things moving in THEIR life. I can be a vessel in that, if I let myself. AND I can also prioritize me…I rejoined my gym. I’m getting better sleep, and realizing I can only help when I am at my best.
My biggest question at this point-can I put down the bottle and trust in the process? this process called life. Relax that I may have room to grow in this position, and into another one. Its not all about me all the damn time. I am blessed. I am lucky. I can work towards gratitude. And in that.. it’s okay to have feelings and thoughts not always aligned with gratitude. Who can? Probably Ghandi. We are human. And the struggle is truly real. Just breathe is a mantra and Tshirt I wear. Today, I will breathe into this life.