How the fundamentals of Buddhist Right Speech can help you skilfully engage others in small talk and avoid the pitfalls of idle speech.A Complete Guide to Idle Speech and Small Talk for Buddhists?In this practical teaching, I review the...
A Complete Guide to Idle Speech and Small Talk for Buddhists
?In this practical teaching, I review the lesser-discussed notion of "idle speech," one of the components of Buddhist Right Speech — the third factor of the Noble Eightfold Path. I also detail and provide examples of how practising Buddhists can skilfully engage in everyday small talk with people in ways that promote harmony, mutual respect, and deeper connections.
Introduction to Buddhist Idle Speech & Small Talk
?Communication is an essential part of our lives, and for better or for worse, the words we choose to use can have a powerful impact on the state of our minds and on those around us. Our words affect feelings and they affect moods, in short, they affect change.
Within Buddhism, there is a concept that is core to the foundation of the Path referred to as 'Right Speech,' a concept so foundational to personal growth and happiness that it is one of the eight factors of the Noble Eightfold Path — which is itself one of the truths of the Four Noble Truths.
Right Speech is the factor that defines and emphasises the importance of using beneficial words and the importance of avoiding the use of harmful words — so much so that this is the fourth precept of the Five Precepts recited daily by lay Buddhist practitioners all over the world.
While the concept of Right Speech has its roots in early Buddhist teachings, it has also made its way into the zeitgeist of our common lexicon and is recognised as valuable for people of all ages, backgrounds, and beliefs who are seeking to improve their communication skills, enhance their relationships, and strive to experience an increased sense of happiness and success in their personal and professional lives.
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That being stated, whether you are a Buddhist or not, a long-time practitioner or not, the practice of Right Speech can be challenging in this increasingly more competitive and divided world that continues to evolve technologically, socially, and culturally. As much as we may try to be mindful and speak skilfully, we often find ourselves in need of help, guidance, and a clearer understanding of what Right Speech is and how we can engage with Right Speech in our day-to-day life; this is the service that I hope to provide with this teaching on everyday Right Speech.
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What is Buddhist Right Speech??
?Before we get started, it would be helpful to review what Right Speech is from a Buddhist perspective.
Right Speech (samm?-v?c?) is defined in a few ways and what follows are some of the most commonly used definitions of Right Speech:
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?And this:
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?So if we were to summarise from the sutta references above, Right Speech means speech that is:
?TruthfulBeneficialAltruisticKindTimely
Right Speech also means that we avoid using speech that represents the counterpoints to the list above. So with that in mind, we refrain from using speech that is:
FalseMaliciousSelfishHarshUntimely
A note on “untimely” speech. Examples of untimely speech include:
?waiting too long to say something to the point of it being raised too far out of contextsaying things at an inappropriate time or a wrong occasion, because it is not good enough to just be right, we must be right at the right time
?(For more information on what defines these, including examples and how to use these in our interactions with others, please see: Mastering Right Speech: Giving Advice & Feedback Without Causing Harm or Getting Rejected.)
A Clarification About, and Clearing A Common Misunderstanding About "Harsh Speech"
?The notion of harsh speech is sometimes explained incorrectly. In some Buddhist traditions, it is taught that avoiding harsh speech means that we shouldn't say things that are "displeasing" or "unwanted" by others. This is not what the Buddha taught, and represents a common distortion of the Buddha's actual teaching. If this were true then we would never, for example, be able to raise difficult subjects with those who refuse to acknowledge their own harmful behaviours.
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?While there are certainly translations of suttas that read, for example, that to refrain from harsh speech is to "speak in a way that is mellow, pleasing to the ear, lovely, going to the heart, polite, likeable and agreeable to the people," this is to be interpreted in reference to the method and intention. The misunderstanding that “one should never speak words that are unwelcomed” — that is to say, that we shouldn't say that which is unagreeable to others — is borne from an unfamiliarity with the suttas from which this notion is derived.
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One such source of this misunderstanding comes from Sutta 21 found in the Therag?th?, and without familiarity with the root text, it would be easy to interpret (and subsequently teach others) that "one should speak only pleasant words, words which are acceptable to others.” However, words used in the suttas have contextual and specific definitions, and in this case, what is overlooked is how "pleasant words" are defined in that sutta, which is conveniently found in the sentence that directly follows the aforementioned quote, that "what one speaks without bringing evils to others is [what is defined as] pleasant." In its full context, it appears as the following:
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?So it is clear that to use words that do not bring "evil" to others is tantamount to using words that are pleasant and acceptable, and that "harsh speech" is not equal to "disagreeable speech" or "unwelcomed speech" as sometimes we find ourselves in situations that require us to say things that are unwanted or undesirable to those who hear them for their benefit and the benefit of others. In those cases, we can learn how to express them with as much kindness and care as is possible and appropriate for the situation at hand.
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As Bhikkhu Bodhi says: "The Buddha does not hesitate to rebuke and admonish his disciples when he sees that such speech will promote their welfare."
OK, back to the article:
When we speak in words that are true, beneficial, kind, and timely, and avoid speech that is untrue, malicious, harsh, or untimely, this is called Right Speech. However, Right Speech is not just limited to these few characteristics. In order to fully practise Right Speech, we also want to avoid engaging in the following forms of Wrong Speech:
?unskilful or selfish speech intended to harm, deceive, mock, belittle, or confuse othersgeneralising speech that is either too broad or too narrowinterrupting others while they are speaking, or thinking (e.g., while they are collecting their thoughts)speaking negatively (about anyone or anything), when the same message can be framed in positive terms
(Again, for more information on Right Speech, what it is, and how to practise it with specific real-world examples, please refer to this article: Mastering Buddhist Right Speech: Giving Advice and Feedback.)?
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When we speak in words that are true, beneficial, kind, and timely, and avoid speech that is untrue, malicious, harsh, or untimely, this is called Right Speech. However, Right Speech is not just limited to these few characteristics. In order to fully practise Right Speech, we also want to avoid engaging in the following forms of Wrong Speech:
?unskilful or selfish speech intended to harm, deceive, mock, belittle, or confuse othersgeneralising speech that is either too broad or too narrowinterrupting others while they are speaking, or thinking (e.g., while they are collecting their thoughts)speaking negatively (about anyone or anything), when the same message can be framed in positive terms
(Again, for more information on Right Speech, what it is, and how to practise it with specific real-world examples, please refer to this article: Mastering Buddhist Right Speech: Giving Advice and Feedback.)?
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What About Idle Speech and Small Talk?
?There is one area of Right Speech that I have not yet brought up, one that is often asked about by my students, and one that creates much confusion and sometimes even some distress for those who are seeking to practise Right Speech when engaged in social situations with others: the notion of "Idle Speech." And so, for the remainder of this article, I will be focusing on the topics of Idle Speech and Small Talk.
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Idle Speech
?Idle speech in Buddhism refers to speech that lacks meaningful purpose or benefit, and is therefore considered to be wasteful and unwholesome, and as such is discouraged in Buddhist practice. Idle speech can take many forms which can be broken down into two distinct categories to be mindful of gross/coarse idle speech and subtle idle speech.
Examples of gross or coarse idle wrong speech include:
gossiping or unskilful, divisive, malicious, unnecessary, or casual/mindless news-spreadingbackbiting, teasing, or bickering, including playful jabbing and sparringcomplaining, whining, or pointing out the undesirable or the unwantedlying, boasting, exaggerating, telling tall tales, even jokingly so; this would include styles of speech such as sarcasm and being tongue-in-cheek
Examples of subtle idle wrong speech:
?swearing (this falls into the category of subtle idle speech as unnecessary words or harsh words)vocalising useless, meaningless, or random facts, thoughts, or opinionstalking for the sake of talking (e.g., to waste or kill time, or to unnecessarily break an "uncomfortable" silence)generally engaging in other forms of meaningless conversation and small talk?
Idle Speech: Gossiping and News-spreading
?Digging a bit deeper into the habit of gossiping, it is said that “those who gossip to you, will sooner or later gossip about you." Gossip rarely comes from a heart of love or from a mind at peace, and usually falls under the category of malicious/divisive speech.
When we engage in idle chatter, it all too often involves at least one of the many forms of gossip, which can be unproductive at best, or harmful or even destructive at worst. Gossip, at the highest of levels, can be defined as talking about anyone who isn't present in ways that you wouldn't want them knowing about.
Gossip can be about people we know such as friends, coworkers, and family; or about people we don't know (e.g., neighbours, politicians, and celebrities). Gossiping about others can create conditions that lead to unintentional drama; it can fuel distrust between individuals; and, it can negatively affect our reputation with others and harm our otherwise harmonious relationships.
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How many friendships have ended because of something we said to someone else? How many relationships have we lost or tainted because of things that we’ve said about someone else to others, or because of things that other people have said about us? Gossip is wrong speech, and it is to be avoided. So much so that if we find ourselves within earshot of it — if we can't redirect the conversation to more skilful, wholesome, and beneficial topics — then we are instructed to recuse ourselves from the conversation or the area entirely.
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Idle Speech: Complaining
?Another common form of idle chatter that deserves additional attention is that of complaining. Some cultures (e.g., regions, countries) and subcultures (e.g., coworkers, families, social circles) have even turned the act of complaining into a fine art, deeply integrating it into the day-to-day modality of interacting with one another; however, complaining can cause unexpected results, both for ourselves and also for those whom we expose to our complaining.
First, let's talk about the internal effect of complaining.
Complaining always arises from afflicted (i.e., negative) states of mind such as anger, judgement, aversion, or craving. It also comes from a self-cherishing mind that views one's own happiness, one's own problems, and one's own methods/views/ways as being paramount to those of others. It's a form of self-centeredness, where we focus on our own discomforts and grievances which often arise from a desire for conditions or people to be different than they are. This self-cherishing attitude goes against the spirit of harmony, compassion, and kindness emphasised in Buddhism and, even worse, by indulging in complaining, we solidify and reinforce those unwholesome and unbeneficial mental states, increasing their potency and carving the harmful habit of a complaining-mind even more deeply into our personality; doing so makes it all the more difficult to overcome this undesirable and unbeneficial habit.
Now let's talk about the effects complaining has on our external conditions and experiences.
Complaining focuses on what is lacking or unwanted in our lives, leading us to overlook the many things that we can be grateful for and appreciate. Gratitude and appreciation are essential practices if we are ever to rid ourselves of the bad habits and mental tendencies that keep resilient contentment and happiness out of reach. Gratitude and appreciation are views to be encouraged, practised, and woven deeply into our moment-to-moment experience of things. When we forget what we have that we can be grateful for, it's all too easy for our mind to slope toward the negative; painting our world a few shades darker than things actually are.
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Complaining also creates a negative atmosphere that can fuel tension and affect the overall atmosphere of a group. It serves to bring down other people's moods, or even worse, it has the power to share and spread judgementality or negativity to others, imbuing their minds in the same negative way leading them to adopt similarly negative attitudes or become disheartened about how things are. Furthermore, the more we complain, the more we ingrain the tendency to do so. More insidiously, it can even become the glue that binds individuals or communities together; a glue of negativity, anger, or defeat. That kind of ingrained complaining has a negative impact on the general state of our sense of well-being which makes difficult situations even more difficult to endure and overcome.
Complaining isn't about finding solutions or making things better, it's about sharing our discontentment with others in hopes that we can receive validation from others, or about getting them to feel the same negative way as we do. Complaining can lead to disharmony within relationships and communities, especially if we are constantly expressing dissatisfaction or negativity to others. And if you do it too often, you will find yourself gaining a reputation of being someone who is a complainer or a whiner: a "Negative Nelly,” and who wants to hang around a Negative Nelly? It's an unattractive quality and, in very real ways, it has the capacity to make us appear ugly in the eyes, ears, and minds of others.
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Small Talk
?But what about when you are spending time with your co-workers, family, and friends? What if they aren't Buddhists or people who know (or care) about Right Speech, let alone people who are practising it; what then? Does Right Speech mean that we can't talk about things that provide the common foundations of social lubrication?
Buddhist monastics (i.e., monks, nuns, novices) are given clear instruction on what comprises "small talk" and which subjects are to be avoided; small talk from the doctrinal perspective for monastics (see D?gha Nik?ya 2, the S?maññaphala Sutta) is:
talk about kings, ministers of state, and thievestalk about armies, dangers, and warstalk about food, drink, garments, and lodgings;talk about garlands and scents;talk about relations, vehicles, villages, towns, cities, and countries;talk about women and talk about heroes;street talk and talk by the well;talk about those departed in days gone by;rambling chit-chat;speculations about the world and about the sea;talk about gain and loss.
While you are invited to skilfully steer clear of all of these subjects, you are not a Buddhist monastic, so living up to such lofty standards may not always be appropriate or even, at times, possible. Nevertheless, while we don't have to avoid all of those subjects all of the time, if we are serious about our practice and about our intention to live in ways that conduce non-harm (ahi?s?), then we should be intentional with our words and keenly aware of what we are talking about and why we are talking about it.
Skilfully choosing the topics of small talk can be challenging for anyone and it can be especially important when you are meeting someone for the first time or trying to connect with someone who doesn't particularly share your beliefs or values. As Buddhists, we strive to cultivate our capacity and expression of compassion, empathy, positivity, and understanding, and there is no reason why we can apply these virtuous principles to engage in casual small talk with people from all walks of life.
There are many benefits to developing our ability to skilfully engage with others via small talk. Casual small talk with non-Buddhist friends can be a way to maintain positive social connections and build relationships, and practising Right Speech does not mean that we can't engage in friendly and light conversations with non-Buddhists or otherwise engage in casual small talk.
As stated above, it is not entirely necessary for lay Buddhist practitioners to completely avoid all topics of conversations that are not strictly related to the Dhamma or to a limited suite of spiritually-wholesome topics. However, we must remain mindful of the content and intent of our speech, and to avoid idle or harmful speech that can kindle harm, negativity, or discord.
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How do we do this?
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Skilfully Navigating Small Talk as Buddhists
?When engaging in casual small talk with non-Buddhist friends, it can be helpful to focus on positive topics, such as sharing positive and warmhearted news or stories about non-harmful mutual interests, discussing uncontroversial current events or common experiences, or simply enjoying each other's company.
One approach could be to steer discussions toward topics that are meaningful or relevant to both parties, such as common interests, experiences, or goals, specifically those that are imbued with the qualities that we Buddhists cherish and practice (e.g., lovingkindness, compassion, altruistic joy, personal growth, providing for ourselves, and being of service to others, etc). This implies that we steer conversations away from talking about topics such as politics, consumerism, and mindless media, for example. By focusing on topics that are mutually beneficial and uplifting, the conversation can be both engaging and meaningful without being too deep or intellectually demanding, and without devolving into idle or meaningless chatter.
While we practise skilful small talk, it will also serve as practice for developing our ability to be attentive to the other person's needs and feelings, practising active listening and empathy, without encouraging or supporting them in potentially unskilful or harmful thoughts, views, words, or actions by redirecting the conversation when we notice them heading in unwholesome directions or topics which may only serve to fuel their attachments, aversions, or delusions.
It's important to remember that being present and mindful in conversation can make a big difference in how we and others feel when the conversation is over. By actively listening to the other person and being fully present in the moment, the conversation can become more genuine and meaningful, even if the topic is not particularly meaningful or profound; we can also have more influence to steer the conversation or their perspective toward skilful, positive, and beneficial topics.
As a good rule-of-thumb, the cornerstone of skilful small talk is to approach it with mindfulness, awareness, and non-harm (i.e., compassion) in mind; to strive to use speech that is kind, truthful, and beneficial, to not support or encourage conversations that feed or could fuel attachment, aversion, or ignorance. While it may not always be possible to entirely avoid meaningless idle chatter and small talk, we can strive to minimise it and see all of our conversations as opportunities to cultivate positive qualities such as generosity, kindness, positivity, and understanding.
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It may also be worth noting that while idle chatter may be quite common, if not expected, that it is not always necessary or even desirable in all social situations. Try testing the waters; you may be surprised and delighted to find how many people value deeper connections and more meaningful conversations, and would otherwise appreciate the opportunity to engage in more thoughtful dialogue with you. And sometimes, skilful and peaceful silence can be OK too.
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The Fourth Buddhist Precept of Right Speech
?Here is an excerpt of my personal daily precepts, specifically the one regarding Right Speech:
"With these words, I undertake the training guideline to abstain from even associating with (or supporting others in) unskillful speech; speech that is untruthful, unbeneficial, unaltruistic, unkind, or untimely; or otherwise speaking coarsely, maliciously, divisively, or idly."
For Buddhists who are genuinely concerned with upholding the Fourth Precept and practising Right Speech, engaging in small talk can pose some additional, yet rarely discussed, challenges.
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Challenges of Small Talk for Buddhists
?Engaging in small talk can be even more challenging for Buddhists who strive to seriously prioritise mindfulness and wholesomeness of Right Speech and who prefer to practise genuine “clear knowing” (sampajjana) when they are speaking to others.
In order to engage thusly in mindful conversation, one must be fully present and attentive to the topics discussed and the words, emotions, and energy used when speaking to others, actively listening to the person with whom they are speaking and being aware of how their word-choice and energy affects others. That’s because small talk often involves distractions, interruptions, over-speaking, discursive speech, and unskillful word choices that can make practising real-time mindfulness difficult as we get caught up in a blur of discourse and experience.
Small talk can also be quite time-consuming and unproductive; Buddhists who are focused on their practice may find that too much time, time which could otherwise be spent more spiritually, gets redirected to casual and unproductive conversations, which could even serve as a distraction or disruption from their spiritual path. And Buddhists who prioritise spiritual activities and meaningful connections may find the value in small talk to be lacking, and even though small talk can be a way to connect with others, it too often lacks depth and may not sufficiently contribute toward developing wisdom or skilful mind states. Idle small talk is considered harmful, not only because of the unwanted results that they can foment, but also because small talk can distract us from our spiritual intentions, wasting time and energy that could otherwise be put toward more spiritually productive or beneficial activities such as maturing our relationship with Right View by studying the Dhamma, introspectively contemplating the Dhamma, or developing our ability to generate stillness via ?n?p?nasati meditation.
Nevertheless, regardless of how diligently we strive to be “practising Buddhists,” skilful speech, even if only engaging in considered small talk, is characterised by its usefulness and intention to bring about positive outcomes and harmony with others. This means using speech that is always kindly truthful, speech that is altruistically compassionate, and speech that is meant to help and uplift others.
To get around all of these challenges and more, we can focus on cultivating positive intentions and mindfulness in our conversations, always and without exception. Additionally, we can set moral boundaries around the kind of topics and the amount of time that we spend engaging in small talk while we prioritise our spiritual practice and intentions.
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Buddhists who are concerned about upholding the precept of not speaking falsely, maliciously, or divisively may still struggle with these instructions to find topics that are both engaging and wholesome. But have no fear, when speaking idly with non-Buddhists there are many topics that can be discussed that are not related to idle chatter or harmful speech. Let’s explore some of those topics.
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Some Skilful & Casual Non-Buddhist Topics for Practising Buddhists
?Without intending to be overly pedantic, let’s highlight some topics that can be cautiously approached if skilfully discussed with Right Speech in mind:
?Hobbies and interests: You can discuss your hobbies or interests, or ask other people about theirs. This can be a great way to find common ground and build a connection. Though be mindful to not talk about hobbies or interests that involve breaking any of the precepts or that cause harm or disharmony.Travel: You can talk about places you have been to or would like to visit, or ask other people about their favourite travel experiences. Though being mindful to not speak about negative experiences that you may have had during your travels; or about places, peoples, or cultures that you didn't like. Conversations should slope toward celebrating the many wonders of the cultural and geographic diversity of other peoples and lands rather than criticising or judging their differences.Food and drink: You can discuss your favourite foods or restaurants, or ask other people about their favourite dishes or recipes. Though being wise enough to quickly steer the conversation away from topics that include alcohols, intoxicants, or foods that involve killing or death; and being mindful to not cultivate craving, greed, or abiding in harmful thoughts of sense pleasures during your discussions about food and beverages.Movies, books, games, and TV shows: Approach this with caution. You can discuss your favourite movies, books, games, or TV shows, or ask other people for Dhamma-friendly recommendations. Though being present enough to not talk about entertainment that involves or normalises any form of violence, crime, hate, or harm. The emphasis here is squarely and emphatically on "Dhamma-friendly" sources of entertainment, and "Dhamma-friendly" sources of entertainment only; that means only those shows, books, games, and movies which are supportive and demonstrative of virtuous and wholesome qualities (e.g., compassion, kindness, generosity, patience, non-greed, non-harm, etc) are on the table, and not those which are supportive of their unvirtuous counterpoints (e.g., killing, fighting, physical/verbal abuse, theft, greed, manipulation, etc) — no one said this was going to be easy; the unfortunate truth is that the majority of entertainment media today are just not Dhamma-friendly.Sports: If you or the other person are interested in sports, you can discuss your favourite teams, players, or recent games. Though being aware of not supporting or feeding aggression, divisiveness, othering, or unskilful competitiveness. Remember that this is about talking about positive events and associations; for example, talk about players/teams you like, and avoid discussing players/teams that you don't like; avoid controversy or speaking ill of the competition.Current events: You can discuss recent positive news and events, though being especially mindful of the tone of the conversation and avoiding contentious topics that may lead to disagreements or any topics that may fuel divisions between an "us" and a "them." This naturally implies that talk of politics, foreign/domestic policy, social justice, military operations, and law enforcement are off-limits and are to be avoided as non-starters.Personal experiences: You can share personal stories or experiences, or ask other people about theirs. Though, as always, avoiding topics that support or feed attachments, aversions, or delusions, no matter how insignificant they may seem.
With some of these topics in mind, we now have some things that we can use to mindfully engage in small talk with others while still practising Right Speech.
Let's review some of the ways we can do so:
?Be compassionately honest. Do not lie, exaggerate, or boast: even casually or humorously; it's important to be literal and completely truthful with your words. This doesn't mean you need to be bland or serious, but as a skilful Buddhist, you must absolutely avoid making false claims or exaggerating facts, even if only in jest or to punctuate a point. Being compassionately honest also means not being "brutally" honest; rather, know when to speak, and how to do so kindly and skilfully.Be kind and sincere with your words; do not poke fun at others, whether they are present or not. How many times have feelings been hurt because of something that was "just a joke" or misunderstandings caused by someone who was "only kidding"?Be aware of your intentions when you are speaking: before speaking, reflect on your intentions. If your aim is to gossip, joke, or criticise other people or other things, it's better to just refrain from speaking at all.Be present and attentive when conversing with others. Listen carefully to what they say and respond with genuine interest or concern.Find common ground and look for whole topics and pastimes that you and the other person both have a shared interest in. This can help to build a connection and make the conversation more meaningful.Emphasise harmony above all, avoiding divisive, dramatic, or controversial topics; while it's important to be honest, it's also skilful to avoid topics that may be divisive or controversial. This can help to keep the conversation friendly and enjoyable.?
Wrapping It Up
Skilful and compassionate communication is an essential part of peacefully co-existing with ourselves and with others, and the words we choose to use can have a powerful impact on ourselves and those around us, so we should take care to use our time, and our inner and outer dialogue with care.
Buddhism emphasises the importance of using Right Speech, which involves being truthful, helpful, kind, and timely. While small talk can be challenging, Buddhists can engage in it skilfully by being mindful of their intentions, being present and attentive, finding common ground, using kind words, and avoiding divisive or controversial topics. Above all, do not allow yourself to get hooked into unskilful discussions, no matter what.
The key to engaging in Right Speech during casual small talk is to speak with the five criteria of Right Speech in mind, clearly knowing your intentions for speaking said-words, and being aware of the impact that your words-heard will have on others. Be diligent to always speak in positives rather than in negatives, avoiding gossip and harmful speech all the while focusing on building harmonious connections with all those around you. Remember that idle speech is discouraged in Buddhist practice because it lacks purpose or benefit, and it can be potentially detrimental.
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Finally, please remember that the goal of Right Speech is not to put yourself on a spiritual, moral, or intellectual pedestal above others; or to be unskilfully silent; or to avoid casual conversation altogether; but, rather to use speech in a way that promotes spiritual development and in a way that is beneficial and harmonious with those whom you are interacting. When speaking with mindfulness and compassion, all Buddhist practitioners can easily engage in small talk with anyone in a way that is both skilful and wholesome, developing deeper connections and understanding with everyone around them.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
May this teaching inspire you.
