It is October. I did not write anything last month but thought of writing something this month. There is not much to write, just the usual happy-sad updates. I have booked my trip to India for the next month. It is funny that I last traveled when the US presidential elections were happening, and now, the next elections are happening. I will travel after four years, but I don't feel excited. Mera bilkul mann nahi lagta vahaan ab but one has to do some things for parents. Not that mera yahaan mann lagta hai, but at least during the week, I have work that keeps me busy. I have started to not like weekends because I keep going into a spiral of negative thinking, which does not make me feel good.
There are some other things that I have been thinking about. I might have mentioned them here before as well. I feel my life is slipping away. I see all these creators talking about their art and doing something interesting with their lives. I also want to do some things but don't know what to do. I don't have any niche talent as such. I don't even write much these days. Even when I try to start, I cannot keep up because I am exhausted during the weekdays. And over the weekend, I have some other health-related things that I am trying to follow. I had started three new Instagram accounts and a new blog related to writing, but I deleted them as I had not posted anything on them for months. I keep wondering if this is what I am supposed to do all my life. My work is fine, but you know it is not life-changing. I also am not a very smart person to vocalize my opinions on Twitter or somewhere. I read a lot, but I don't have many original thoughts. I also try to remain non-controversial because people take offense to the most random things.
There is this moment in Shuddh Desi Romance where Tara (Vaani Kapoor) says that when you fall out of love, you never forget that moment. I did not have a moment related to love, but something related to friendship. There is that moment when you decide it is not worth being friends with someone who doesn't respect you. After a long time, I tried to meet a friend, but they kept postponing. When they met, they came late and left in ten minutes, saying let's catch up in three to four months. It was also humiliating, even in the ten minutes we spoke. I decided I was not going to meet them ever again. I went to Boston to meet a friend, but I felt they also were trying to avoid meeting me. People change after they get married and have kids. I am not blaming them as they get busy. Since I am not married, I keep expecting the same thing. It is all my fault, so I will not expect anything from anyone. I don't call anyone a best friend. I have a few relatively close friends, but it is not like I speak to them about everything. The issue is mainly with me. Being an introverted loner, I don't know how to make friends. And work friends are not really friends, you know. It is all fake and artificial. Sometimes, I hate myself for overthinking. It is the same reason that is stopping me from being confident. My mother told me she had not seen me khul ke laughing in a long time. I was like, wait, yes. Even I have forgotten. Haha. I was like Naina from Kal Ho Naa Ho. I am not sad or depressed, but you know, I wish things worked out for me, and they are not working out. Because happiness comes internally and reflects on your face. We will see.
I have also been thinking about Laapataa Ladies. It is quite a lovely film. I wanted to write some parts about it but still need to finish, so I thought of writing something now. As the title says, it is about women who are literally lost. But these women are metaphorically lost as well. When Phool gets lost, she finds help from Chotu and Abdul. This reminded me of Rani in Queen, who goes on a solo trip to Paris and Amsterdam on her honeymoon. She meets a bunch of travelers—Oleksander, Taka, and Tim—in the hostel. Like Phool meets Manju Mai, Rani meets Vijay, who becomes her friend and guide from whom she learns the ways of life. Manju Mai is separated from her husband. She tells Phool to be independent. Vijay, too, was free to do whatever she wanted to do. Her independence inspires Rani. In the end, Phool finally takes the name of her husband and goes back to him. She finds herself. In Queen, too, there was the aspect of the name. Vijay shares the same name as Rani's fiancé. Rani does not need Vijay to be happy; Vijay na sahi, Vijaylakshmi to hai. That is why Queen is such a fantastic film, even now. Rani does not go back to Vijay.
I also watched Kalki 2898 AD and CTRL. They were fine. I did not find much to write about them. Early on, Bhairava (Prabhas) spoke about being selfish and thinking about your own side. I thought it was interesting because heroes don't talk much about being selfish in our films. But, as it turns out, he was one of the greatest warriors in his past life, known for his selflessness, Karn. It sets up his role for the next part, where he becomes selfless to save the people. In CTRL, we saw another character that seemed trapped and lonely, as seen in many other Vikramaditya Motwane's characters.
A few days ago, Han Kang became the first Korean and the first woman from any Asian country to be honored with the Nobel Prize in Literature. I was reminded of Past Lives when Nora said she was leaving Korea because "Koreans don't win the Nobel Prize in Literature." Twelve years later, she wanted to win the Pulitzer Prize. Then, another twelve years later, she wished for a Tony award. I wanted to win the Nobel as well. Haha. More seriously, though, life humbles us all, and we learn about our reality. Every child is special, but only a few adults become extraordinary. I used to think being average was not bad, but I now feel you must be the best in at least one thing, like being really, really good. Main to yahaan bhi peeche reh gaya. Haha.
Health-wise, I am now in the cut phase, where I have to lose about 10 kgs. I gained about 12 kgs in the last nine months, so I am reducing all the weight. It is a bit hard to survive on 1,500 calories after eating 2,500 calories, but it is fine. I have to do this to look the best. It gives me a purpose. I go to the gym five days and do 10,000 steps daily. It makes me tired, which is good because I can sleep faster and not waste my time in random browsing. I hope it works out for me.
It is also the Fall season, my favorite season when I go to the same places every year and click pictures of the same trees. Here are some pictures from today. I will post some more soon on my Instagram account.
I had more topics but will write about them in the next update.
Quote of the Day:
"Fall teaches us how beautiful it can be to let go."
