What happened to Kevin, Buzz, Marv, and Harry the year after Home Alone ended? Indulge yourself in (the first?) Home Alone fan fiction! The post Home Alone – Afterward appeared first on BlogGaud.
Christmas in real life ends with a disheveled pile of trash, boxes, and wrapping paper. Christmas in movies end in a nice, neat bow. I always wondered what those storybook endings look like when lives return to normal.
Kevin McCallister
Never one to brag, Kevin returns to the 3rd grade following his Christmas break not sharing his heroics and near death experience with his classmates. However, his teacher assigns a journal assignment asking students to write about what they most enjoyed over the holidays. Not typically a fan of writing, Kevin feels that with this assignment he may be able to finally get a good grade, because he has a lot of events to draw from.
After careful thought, Kevin chooses to write about shooting Marv in the head with a BB-gun. The class has been working on using more descriptive words in their writing. Kevin paints a picture of the room, his mixed feelings of both excitement and fright, and Marv’s reaction to getting shot in the head with a BB-gun.
Really wanting to do well on the assignment, Kevin revises his journal entry several times. He adds details about how he practiced with Buzz’s BB-gun on Starting Lineup figures earlier, so he felt confident when he pulled the trigger. Certain that he’s got it right, Kevin drops off his journal in the completed work pile.
The next week, Kevin excitedly finds his journal from the graded pile. As he opens to his most recent entry, he is devastated to find a low score. The comment next to his grade reads, “Very creative Kevin, but this was supposed to be a non-fiction entry.”
Harry
The Wet Bandits trial doesn’t get national attention, but does garner Chicago intrigue. Begrudgingly, Harry agrees to be represented by Marv’s cousin, Larry, for the trial. Almost immediately he regrets this decision, as Larry’s defense strategy is to claim that their childhood trauma around Christmas turned them into criminal masterminds (Marv insisted they were called masterminds) during the holidays.
The majority of the exhibits the defense presents to the jury are letters to Santa from Marv and Harry and the corresponding Christmas photographs that reveal that nothing from their lists were under the tree. Apart from the giggling jury, audience, and occasionally the judge, Harry can’t tell if Larry actually believes in Santa Claus.
Needless to say, Harry and Marv are found guilty of larceny and attempted murder (the attempted murder charge was nailed home by key witness Marley) and sentenced to 25 years in the Metropolitan Correctional Center (MCC) in Chicago. Harry requests to serve his sentence in a prison separate from Marv, but is denied. In fact, Marv’s other cousin, Reggie, is a MCC prison guard and is able to get Marv and Harry to share the same cell.
Kate McCallister (Mom)
After celebrating Christmas with her family for a couple of days, Kate makes her way down to the police department. She asks to speak with the two dismissive officers who talked with her over the phone, and the patrolman who went out to her house to check-in on Kevin.
During this visit she learns that the officers called her crazy and that her eight year old son was almost murdered by two cat burglars. With each officer pointing blame at each other, Kate feels like she is getting nowhere and dismisses herself. Her last stop before heading home is to Murphy & Murphy Associates (her neighbor’s law firm).
Kate recounts all the events from Kevin’s Christmas ordeal to Mr. Murphy. Mr. Murphy, knowing first hand the destruction and devastation caused by the Wet Bandits, is incensed by the police department’s obvious neglect and ensures Kate that they have a very viable lawsuit.
Almost as laughable as the Wet Bandits trial, the McCallisters vs. Shermer City Police Department is extremely one-sided. When Mr. Murphy plays the audio of the patrolman saying to dispatch, “Tell ’em to count their kids again” there is an audible gasp from the spectators. After that, the neglect, lack of communication, and all encompassing buffoonery from the Shermer City Policy Department only becomes clearer to everyone. The compensatory damages awarded to the McCallisters is quite substantial.
Buzz McCallister
Buzz spent the days preceding winter break divulging his planned exploits in France (drinking, visiting nude beaches, smoking, etc.) to his buddies. When the McCallister efforts switched from enjoying a French holiday vacation to returning home to ensure the safety of Kevin, all Buzz’s plans went out the window.
Arriving back to school in January, Buzz was hoping to be the talk of his class, but instead plays second fiddle to his elementary school brother, who is reaching unparalleled levels of celebrity with the Wet Bandits trial making the news.
Never one to be upstaged, especially by Kevin, Buzz begins fabricating stories about his time in France. His biggest whopper is that he was arrested by the Police Nationale for soliciting a prostitute at the famous Rose Interdite restaurant. When Buzz’s girlfriend (woof!) hears the rumor she promptly dumps him.
Realizing that all his problems stem from Kevin, Buzz begins formulating a lengthy plan to humiliate Kevin at the upcoming (in 11 months) Christmas chorus recital.
Gus Polinksi
The Polka King of the Midwest does not receive a sudden surge in album sales (why would he). Out of pity, and curiosity (mainly pity), Kate McCallister purchases Polka Polka Polka. When the album finally arrives (she had to special order it), she’s completely lost interest.
It’s not until several years later that Jeff McCallister (Kevin’s oft forgotten older brother) stumbles upon Polka Polka Polka in an old shoebox. Jeff’s in the midst of an awkward middle american white rap phase and spends the majority of his day locked in his bedroom with his mixers and soundboards.
He remixes Polka Twist into the underground Chicago quasi-smash hit Rasta Twist (of course Jeff’s infusing reggae into his rap music).
Gus stumbles upon Rasta Twist while turning his radio dial on route to a gig in Sheboygan (very big in Sheboygan). Forever the music lover, Gus is not upset that Polka Twist was remixed without his permission. In fact, he vibes so much with the reggae flair that he begins having a recurring dream where he’s a Jamaican bobsled coach (Cool Runnings – Home Alone universe?).
Marv
Marv takes his arrest, laughing stock of a trial, and incarceration in stride. For Marv, this was not only inevitable, but necessary to cement the Wet Bandits as super criminals. In his words, “If we never got caught, then no one would know who we are, and we’re the Wet Bandits.”
After returning to his cell from the MCC infirmary, because Harry tried to strangle Marv in his sleep, Marv immediately formulates his three-step plan.
- Establish the Wet Bandits as the dominant gang in MCC. Recruit inmates that will be able to both protect Marv and Harry and support their eventual escape efforts (see step three).
- Learn French. Marv always thought his lack of appeal with women was based on his inability to speak French. It may also come in handy in step three.
- Utilize the support of the new Wet Bandits members to breakout of MCC. Marv thinks that his injury prone nature will eventually lead him back to the MCC infirmary. On his last visit, Marv overheard one of the nurses speaking in French. He believes that he can charm her into smuggling in escape supplies (crow bar in a birthday cake, that kind of thing).
Fifteen seconds in to step one, Marv is shivved by the very inmate he is trying to recruit. Upon entering the MCC infirmary Marv is promptly slapped by the French nurse, because he asks if she can “baiser” his wound.
Peter McCallister
After tussling Kevin’s hair when he walks in on Christmas morning, Peter quickly moves past the dramatic events of the holidays. As far as he’s concerned, since Kevin still has all of his appendages, no harm no foul.
Having spent a copious amount of money on last minute flights, Peter delves right back into his work as a vending machine owner, operator, and supplier (why not?). Before Christmas, he was testing the market (mainly hospitals, teacher lounges, and small medical complexes) with new snack offerings (Butterfinger BBs and PB Crisps) and soda variations (Surge and Slice).
Before Peter can send out questionnaires to solicit feedback on his vending machine’s new options, there is a mass outbreak of food poisoning among the staff at Shermer High. The county health department inspector discovers that only staff who combined Butterfinger BBs and Slice became violently ill (a kind of pop rocks and Coke scenario).
A small lawsuit is organized against McCallister Vending Inc. Two weeks before the trial, the entire lawsuit is dropped as it turns out that the teachers suffering from food poisoning all played hooky the day before they became sick at a now condemned Mexican restaurant (the restaurant was running a buy one drink get three free [BOGT] special).
Still shaken from the experience, Peter removes all new products from his vending machines. Unfortunately, he does not completely learn his lesson as several years later he adds Crystal Clear Pepsi to his inventory.
Uncle Frank
It’s hard to imagine Uncle Frank bitterer and angrier than he was pre-Christmas, but he manages to pull it off. Like Buzz, Uncle Frank has been talking up his Paris trip to coworkers for months. When they discover that the whole vacation was cut short, his colleagues incessantly tease him, and brandish him with the nickname “Premature E-vacation.”
The one thing that came from Uncle Frank’s brief European vacation was a get rich quick scam idea. Uncle Frank’s office’s sales department does a great deal of traveling. His company likes to take care of the sales team, so often they accommodate first class flights. Through his power of negotiations (or maybe because they just wanted him to stop talking), Uncle Frank is able to convince the entire sales department to steal sets of silverware from airlines when they travel.
Since it’s a relatively small company, it takes several weeks for the sales department to assemble one silverware set. And since airlines use different brands/styles of silverware, it’s not even a complete set, more of a hodgepodge.
Still excited for a potential second income stream, Uncle Frank takes his “set” to “All for Pawn, and Pawn for All” pawn shop. The pawnbroker offers Uncle Frank ten cents on the dollar for his silverware. Uncle Frank calls the man a jerk (his go to) and storms out of the shop.
Back at work, drama is brewing as the company’s top salesman is detained on the way back from his Atlanta business trip for stealing airline silverware. Because of the ridiculousness of the crime, the man is let go, but the story makes it back to the CEO. Not wanting to fire his top salesman, the CEO elects to fire the brains (or lack thereof) of the operation, Uncle Frank.
Marley
It takes the prosecution several days to track Marley down to testify at Marv and Harry’s trial as Marley is at the annual snow shoveling convention in Champaign. In fact, Marley has his own booth and is marketing a patented salt blend that lowers the freezing point of water even more than regular salt, resulting in quicker melting and safer walkways.
Even though Marley is reluctant to testify at the trial, his granddaughter (now that their relationship is renewed) convinces him that it is the right thing to do. Marley’s eyewitness testimony is essential in solidifying the attempted murder charge.
Eight-hundred miles to the east of Chicago in South Boston, Emmett Kelly stumbles upon the Marv and Harry trial while channel surfing. Marley is in the middle of his testimony. Emmett leans within inches of the screen and recognizes Marley as Danny O’Banion. Danny disappeared from Boston fifty-five years earlier after providing testimony incriminating then Irish mob boss, Emmett Kelly. Danny turned rat after being arrested on multiple murder charges. The alleged murders were so heinous, that the Boston Times referred to Danny as “The South Boston Shovel Slayer.”
Now if only we can get the Home Alone franchise to make a sequel.
The post Home Alone – Afterward appeared first on BlogGaud.
