Dear Penny, Im 63, and my man is 65. Weve been together for six years. He has a self-made business with significant real estate holdings. We are both retired. One of his two sons is taking over the business...
Im 63, and my man is 65. Weve been together for six years. He has a self-made business with significant real estate holdings. We are both retired.
One of his two sons is taking over the business using a well-thought-out transition plan. I also have two adult sons who are doing well. I have no debt and own a home, plus I receive $90,000 a year in pensions. I also have a Roth IRA and stocks worth less than $250,000.
Heres my question: If we marry, is there some sort of reference reading you can recommend for how to fairly divide expenses? We would have a prenup, of course, as I have no right to his assets. I wasnt involved in his efforts to build and operate this business, so that clearly belongs to his family.
We currently live in his house and winter in Florida. About all I provide is groceries and cable. We own nothing jointly except a Florida bank account for utilities and expenses related to upkeep.
I want to pay my way, but he wont allow that very often. He does make snide comments periodically that I dont have the money to ante up for something sizable, such as construction in Florida.
Ultimately, he has his and I have mine. How do we make things ours without making it appear that Im a gold digger?
-Not After the Money
Dear Not After,
Listen to your boyfriend the next time he makes one of his snide remarks. Is he really talking about a big purchase he wants to make? Because it sounds like hes taking aim at you. More specifically, is he talking about what he wants to do, or is he telling you what you cant do?
If youve told your boyfriend everything youve told me, it should be obvious that youre not after his money. Nor do you need it. Youre a financially independent woman. You may have less assets than he does, but you also have $90,000 a year in pension income, which is guaranteed for life. You get that money no matter what happens to the stock market or real estate values.
Before you decide how to split expenses, let me ask you: Do you really want to marry someone who makes you feel like a gold digger?
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Rarely do you fall in love with someone who has the exact same net worth and income as you. Just as one person will probably be taller or fatter or funnier, one person will probably be richer.
Splitting expenses when one person has more money isnt rocket science. You can each fund your joint account based on the percentage of income you bring in. So if his income is three times higher than yours, youd pay for 25% of your combined expenses because you bring in 25% of the income.
But the fact that he refuses to let you pay for more than cable and groceries is a big red flag. If youre telling him you want to pay and he wont hear of it, hes not hearing you. It may seem like generosity, but I worry hes revealing his deep-down belief that youre not his equal.
It may be tempting to ignore your boyfriends remarks if hes only making them occasionally. But dont let him off the hook next time he says something rude about your finances. This can be as simple as asking What do you mean by that? or Why would you say that? to force a discussion.
If your boyfriend makes these comments when discussing an actual goal like if the new construction in Florida is something he really wants, rather than just a hypothetical you can talk about the logistics of making it happen. A big purchase could be a bit trickier than splitting expenses since he probably has a lot more cash to put down than you do. But if this is an actual goal, there are plenty of solutions. Maybe he could pay cash and only put his name on the deed. Or perhaps you could take out a mortgage and split the cost each month according to your respective incomes.
But if hes just pontificating about the things he cant do with you, you need to reconsider this relationship. Youre not holding your boyfriend back from anything. Do not let him convince you otherwise.
I think youve made it clear to your boyfriend that youre not after his money. Hes the one with the problem if he still doesnt get that. If he wants someone of equal wealth and plenty of cash to ante up, hell have a very limited pool of potential partners to choose from. But thats his prerogative. In that case, he may just have to enjoy that Florida construction alone.
Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com.
This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.