Dear Penny: Am I Wrong to Tell My Kids Not to Abandon Me in a Nursing Home?

3 years ago 64

Dear Penny, I have requested that one of my grown children include me in their living arrangements to avoid leaving me totally on my own as I get older. That way, I would not have to lean on strangers...

Dear Penny,

I have requested that one of my grown children include me in their living arrangements to avoid leaving me totally on my own as I get older. That way, I would not have to lean on strangers for help.

All I am asking for is a room with a bathroom and kitchen privileges. I would pay them a small monthly fee. I am just asking not to be the main provider for housing costs as I age and to avoid going to any senior facility. I get a fixed income from my small pensions and Social Security. Am I wrong to request not to be abandoned by my children?

-M.

Dear M.,

Theres certainly nothing wrong with telling your children that youd like to live with one of them. It sounds like youve already done that, though. I suspect that youre writing to me because you havent gotten the response you want.

If youve presented this idea as either they invite you to move in or theyre abandoning you, Id suggest a different tactic. Youre asking for a big commitment, and I dont think a guilt trip will be effective.

Lets just acknowledge upfront that children can never truly repay their parents for their sacrifices. In general, I think adult children owe it to their parents to help them in their old age. But your kids arent your insurance policy. Not everyone is capable of providing the same level of support.



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Money is certainly part of the equation here, and its great that youre willing to chip in for expenses. But if your children are considering this living arrangement, theyre probably thinking about a lot more than just money.

If your children have families of their own, this isnt their decision to unilaterally make. They may also be worried about whether theyd be able to properly care for you should your health decline.

Youve already told your kids what you want. Now its time to ask them whether this is something theyd seriously consider. This discussion needs to be as specific as possible. Talk about the timeframe, as well as how much youd be able to contribute each month. If any remodeling would be necessary to accommodate you, you might offer to help pay for it if you can.

Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what moving in would look like for their lifestyle. If youre close, emphasize the positives. Tell them how much youd love to be able to spend more time together. If your children have kids of their own or busy careers, you could also offer to help out with childcare or household responsibilities.

But you also need to give your kids the freedom to express their concerns if theyre reluctant. Be prepared for the fact that they may have worries that arent easy to hear. Moving in with your adult children isnt going to be viable in every situation, particularly if you dont have a close relationship.

There are plenty of options that dont constitute abandonment, even if you cant move in with your kids. Maybe you could rent a small apartment in the same neighborhood, or perhaps you could stay in your current home if your kids commit to checking in on a regular schedule. Youre probably not going to finalize a plan in a single conversation or two, so it would still be wise to look at alternative places to live that are close to your family and within your retirement budget.

If your kids arent willing or able to let you move in, try not to take it as a sign that theyre abandoning you or that their decision represents their love for you. That will be difficult, I know. But do make it clear how important their love and support is to you, regardless of whether you can live together.

These arent easy conversations to navigate, but the sooner you have them, the better.

You may not get the answer you want out of your children. But at least if you know that living with them isnt going to be an option, you can start thinking about the next best choice.

Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com.

This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.


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