When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark. — Unknown Falling this year on February 6, Time to Talk Day focuses on creating supportive communities by having conversations with family, friends, or colleagues about mental health. By talking about our mental health we can better support ourselves and others. For last year’s Time to Talk Day I explored something that’s rarely discussed in the context of this kind of conversation: repetition. This year, I’d like to offer a few practical tips for supporting friends and loved ones with their mental health. It’s easy enough to encourage people to talk, but how do you respond when they do? These suggestions are based on my thirteen year mutually supportive friendship with my best friend Fran, who lives with bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME). For more tips and information check out our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder. 1. Talking about Mental Health Isn’t Easy. Don’t Make it Harder. No one finds it easy to say they’re going through a tough patch and need someone to listen. Think about the last time you were feeling low, stressed, or struggling in some way with your physical or mental health, or with life in general. How easy was it for you to reach out? Your friend or loved one may be desperate for contact, help, and support, but find it really hard to take that first step. Time to Talk Day reminds us that every conversation is a two way thing. The responsibility for connecting can’t rest solely on the shoulders of the person needing support. It falls to each of us to be open about what we’re going through, and proactive in checking in on others. It’s important to respect the fact that someone might not want to talk (this is something I’ve discussed previously) but don’t be put off by an initial “I’m fine” if you feel something is wrong. Following up with “Are you sure?” gives the other person permission to open up, confident that you really do want to hear what they have to say. 2. Mental Health Isn’t Just for Time to Talk Day Don’t imagine you’ve done your duty as a friend because you had one chat over coffee on Time to Talk Day. Mental illness doesn’t pack itself away on February 7 until the next awareness event comes along. Your friend or loved one may need someone to talk to on any day of the year. That might be every now and again when things are especially tough for them, most days, or every day. Fran’s mental health is part of her day-to-day reality, and we talk about it in that context. If she’s having a rough time, we talk about it. If I sense something is “off” in any way, I bring it up. As we like to say, vigilance is a team activity. When things are going well, we talk about whatever else is going on for us. Happy and sad. Good and not so good. Just like friends do the world over, whether mental illness is present in their lives or not. 3. Be an Accountability Buddy Depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical health conditions including chronic fatigue, pain, and insomnia can make otherwise straightforward tasks difficult to accomplish. It can help to have an accountability buddy to keep us on track. Fran and I often share our tasks for the day with one another, especially any we’ve been putting off or are struggling to complete. Having an accountability partner keeps us focused, and feel less alone with our tasks. It’s satisfying to have someone to tell when we’ve ticked an item off our list, no matter how small or large it might seem to anyone else. It’s something I’ve done with other friends too, at different times. Taking a shower, putting out the trash, writing an e-mail, preparing a shopping list, cooking a meal, sorting through the mail; tasks such as these are easier to manage when we don’t feel alone in facing them. 4. Encouragment and Celebration Encouragement goes hand in hand with accountability. You’re not responsible for someone else taking the steps necessary to become and stay as well as possible. However, you can make a huge difference by making it clear you’re on their team — and not just when they’re winning. Encouragement is more than offering a flippant “You can do it!” or admonishing them to “snap out of it” or go for a walk. Meaningful encouragement acknowledges what your friend or loved one is dealing with, including any restrictions there might be on what they can achieve at that moment. A good friend of mine occasionally requests a pep talk. I remind her of the many things she’s accomplished, and help bring her focus to whatever task or situation she’s having difficulty with. That might seem a small thing to do, but it helps. Sometimes it’s small things that are most needed. Celebrating with our friends is also incredibly valuable. Be the person your friend turns to when they’ve met their goals, no matter how small they might seem by society’s standards. Taking that shower when depression makes everything feel like an assault on Everest; attending a social event despite crippling social anxiety; going six months — or six days — dry, clean, or free from self-harm; these are all huge achievements and worth of celebrating. We’ve discussed this previously in For the Win! Celebrate Your Successes in Your Own Way. 5. Offer Practical Help Your friend or loved one might just need someone to talk to, but there may be times when we can offer practical help and support. The following list is not exhaustive If someone struggles to use the telephone, offer to make a crucial call on their behalf. A friend recently asked me to do this, and I was happy to oblige. It can be very difficult to know where to turn for help and support. If your friend is struggling to navigate professional services or health providers, offer to help them research options. If you have a car and live close enough, consider offering a ride to appointments if they’d otherwise struggle to attend. If that’s not feasible, covering the cost of a taxi ride could make all the difference. Being the first person someone thinks to call after a difficult appointment or when they’re distressed for any reason means a great deal to me. I’ve likewise kept friends company on calls or by chat when they’ve gone shopping or while they’ve been in hospital. Distance needn’t be an abstacle. Despite living on opposite sides of the Atlantic, Fran and I regularly accompany each other on walks, using voice or video calls. If someone is lost in the middle of Europe, confused about how to get to their hotel, consider offering to track their location online and guide them to their destination. That one might seem unlikely, but I’ve acted as a human GPS for Fran on several occasions. As described in our book, “Fran and co. went to Cologne Zoo today, and then drove to Oberhausen. That was interesting because they got lost and I ended up navigating them to the hotel. Fran said it was like having an angel in the car with them! It meant a lot to me too.” 6. Encourage Professional Support As valuable as it can be to have someone to talk things over with, friends and family are no substitute for professional support. Encourage your loved one to check in with their doctor, to take any medication they’ve been prescribed, and keep appointments. If they find it stressful or overwhelming to prepare for appointments, offer to help them draft notes to take along. For years now, I’ve helped Fran prepare notes for her psychiatrist appointments. Depending on the circumstances, it may be possible to attend appointments with them, virtually or otherwise. I’ve done this for Fran on several occasions. 7. It’s Not All About Mental Health Mental health is just one aspect of a healthy friendship or relationship. We’re more than health conditions we live with, and no one wants to focus exclusively on issues and symptoms when there’s so much more going on to explore with those we care about and who care for us. Be open to having a conversation about mental health whenever either of you wants to, but don’t make it the sole focus of your connection. When Fran and I first conceived the idea for our book, I told her I’d never looked on her as “someone living with illness.” I saw her as my friend. She replied, “That’s the point, Marty! It is how you are with me. People do not usually treat me that way once they know I have illness. It is a powerful thing. It has helped me see that I am not just my illnesses. I have value and gifts to give.” In a similar way, one of my closest friends has told me several time she appreciates the fact we’re present in each other’s lives for the good stuff as well as when times are hard. That’s the difference we can all make. Not by having one conversation a year on Time to Talk Day, but by being present in each other’s lives. Over to You In this post I’ve shared a few ways to help support a friend or loved one. Fran and I would love to know what you think of them, and any tips, insights, or suggestions you have from your own experience. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or via our contact page. Photo by Matthew Ball at Unsplash.
When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark.
— Unknown
Falling this year on February 6, Time to Talk Day focuses on creating supportive communities by having conversations with family, friends, or colleagues about mental health. By talking about our mental health we can better support ourselves and others.
For last year’s Time to Talk Day I explored something that’s rarely discussed in the context of this kind of conversation: repetition. This year, I’d like to offer a few practical tips for supporting friends and loved ones with their mental health. It’s easy enough to encourage people to talk, but how do you respond when they do?
These suggestions are based on my thirteen year mutually supportive friendship with my best friend Fran, who lives with bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME). For more tips and information check out our book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder.
1. Talking about Mental Health Isn’t Easy. Don’t Make it Harder.
No one finds it easy to say they’re going through a tough patch and need someone to listen. Think about the last time you were feeling low, stressed, or struggling in some way with your physical or mental health, or with life in general. How easy was it for you to reach out? Your friend or loved one may be desperate for contact, help, and support, but find it really hard to take that first step.
Time to Talk Day reminds us that every conversation is a two way thing. The responsibility for connecting can’t rest solely on the shoulders of the person needing support. It falls to each of us to be open about what we’re going through, and proactive in checking in on others. It’s important to respect the fact that someone might not want to talk (this is something I’ve discussed previously) but don’t be put off by an initial “I’m fine” if you feel something is wrong. Following up with “Are you sure?” gives the other person permission to open up, confident that you really do want to hear what they have to say.
2. Mental Health Isn’t Just for Time to Talk Day
Don’t imagine you’ve done your duty as a friend because you had one chat over coffee on Time to Talk Day. Mental illness doesn’t pack itself away on February 7 until the next awareness event comes along. Your friend or loved one may need someone to talk to on any day of the year. That might be every now and again when things are especially tough for them, most days, or every day.
Fran’s mental health is part of her day-to-day reality, and we talk about it in that context. If she’s having a rough time, we talk about it. If I sense something is “off” in any way, I bring it up. As we like to say, vigilance is a team activity. When things are going well, we talk about whatever else is going on for us. Happy and sad. Good and not so good. Just like friends do the world over, whether mental illness is present in their lives or not.
3. Be an Accountability Buddy
Depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical health conditions including chronic fatigue, pain, and insomnia can make otherwise straightforward tasks difficult to accomplish. It can help to have an accountability buddy to keep us on track. Fran and I often share our tasks for the day with one another, especially any we’ve been putting off or are struggling to complete. Having an accountability partner keeps us focused, and feel less alone with our tasks. It’s satisfying to have someone to tell when we’ve ticked an item off our list, no matter how small or large it might seem to anyone else. It’s something I’ve done with other friends too, at different times. Taking a shower, putting out the trash, writing an e-mail, preparing a shopping list, cooking a meal, sorting through the mail; tasks such as these are easier to manage when we don’t feel alone in facing them.
4. Encouragment and Celebration
Encouragement goes hand in hand with accountability. You’re not responsible for someone else taking the steps necessary to become and stay as well as possible. However, you can make a huge difference by making it clear you’re on their team — and not just when they’re winning. Encouragement is more than offering a flippant “You can do it!” or admonishing them to “snap out of it” or go for a walk. Meaningful encouragement acknowledges what your friend or loved one is dealing with, including any restrictions there might be on what they can achieve at that moment. A good friend of mine occasionally requests a pep talk. I remind her of the many things she’s accomplished, and help bring her focus to whatever task or situation she’s having difficulty with. That might seem a small thing to do, but it helps. Sometimes it’s small things that are most needed.
Celebrating with our friends is also incredibly valuable. Be the person your friend turns to when they’ve met their goals, no matter how small they might seem by society’s standards. Taking that shower when depression makes everything feel like an assault on Everest; attending a social event despite crippling social anxiety; going six months — or six days — dry, clean, or free from self-harm; these are all huge achievements and worth of celebrating. We’ve discussed this previously in For the Win! Celebrate Your Successes in Your Own Way.
5. Offer Practical Help
Your friend or loved one might just need someone to talk to, but there may be times when we can offer practical help and support. The following list is not exhaustive
If someone struggles to use the telephone, offer to make a crucial call on their behalf. A friend recently asked me to do this, and I was happy to oblige.
It can be very difficult to know where to turn for help and support. If your friend is struggling to navigate professional services or health providers, offer to help them research options.
If you have a car and live close enough, consider offering a ride to appointments if they’d otherwise struggle to attend. If that’s not feasible, covering the cost of a taxi ride could make all the difference.
Being the first person someone thinks to call after a difficult appointment or when they’re distressed for any reason means a great deal to me. I’ve likewise kept friends company on calls or by chat when they’ve gone shopping or while they’ve been in hospital. Distance needn’t be an abstacle. Despite living on opposite sides of the Atlantic, Fran and I regularly accompany each other on walks, using voice or video calls.
If someone is lost in the middle of Europe, confused about how to get to their hotel, consider offering to track their location online and guide them to their destination. That one might seem unlikely, but I’ve acted as a human GPS for Fran on several occasions. As described in our book, “Fran and co. went to Cologne Zoo today, and then drove to Oberhausen. That was interesting because they got lost and I ended up navigating them to the hotel. Fran said it was like having an angel in the car with them! It meant a lot to me too.”
6. Encourage Professional Support
As valuable as it can be to have someone to talk things over with, friends and family are no substitute for professional support. Encourage your loved one to check in with their doctor, to take any medication they’ve been prescribed, and keep appointments. If they find it stressful or overwhelming to prepare for appointments, offer to help them draft notes to take along. For years now, I’ve helped Fran prepare notes for her psychiatrist appointments. Depending on the circumstances, it may be possible to attend appointments with them, virtually or otherwise. I’ve done this for Fran on several occasions.
7. It’s Not All About Mental Health
Mental health is just one aspect of a healthy friendship or relationship. We’re more than health conditions we live with, and no one wants to focus exclusively on issues and symptoms when there’s so much more going on to explore with those we care about and who care for us.
Be open to having a conversation about mental health whenever either of you wants to, but don’t make it the sole focus of your connection. When Fran and I first conceived the idea for our book, I told her I’d never looked on her as “someone living with illness.” I saw her as my friend. She replied, “That’s the point, Marty! It is how you are with me. People do not usually treat me that way once they know I have illness. It is a powerful thing. It has helped me see that I am not just my illnesses. I have value and gifts to give.”
In a similar way, one of my closest friends has told me several time she appreciates the fact we’re present in each other’s lives for the good stuff as well as when times are hard. That’s the difference we can all make. Not by having one conversation a year on Time to Talk Day, but by being present in each other’s lives.
Over to You
In this post I’ve shared a few ways to help support a friend or loved one. Fran and I would love to know what you think of them, and any tips, insights, or suggestions you have from your own experience. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or via our contact page.
Photo by Matthew Ball at Unsplash.
