#ActAgainstAbuse: Why Women Don't Speak Up When They Face Domestic Violence #ActAgainstAbuse: Why Women Don’t Speak Up When They Face Domestic Violence by Shraddha Kamdar | May 16, 2020, 9:02 PM IST Image: 123rf.com  She is calmly approached by her husband, told to go to her parents’ home for a few days, saying he and his family will talk to her after three days. In the meanwhile, she is made to sign on a document which states certain conditions she must adhere to, the children stay at the husband’s house, and she is made to pay many of their bills before she leaves. Leave she does, in the hope that she will be reunited with them in three days. She does not voice her opinion or say no. She does it. After three days, as informed, she is contacted by the husband, only to be told that she need not go back. The reason? A few “problematic” chats that he has taken from her phone without her knowledge. The husband, in reality, has been planning this for months. Yes, this is a real case study from a metro city, from an educated family (of doctors) where the woman is working. She has been bearing all kinds of domestic violence from the husband and his family for close to 10 years (in a bid for them to make her go away), and never spoken up, only to realise this meticulous plot of ousting her from her home when it was already implemented. The National Commission for Women (NCW), which receives complaints from across the country, has recorded a more than twofold rise in gender-based violence. While domestic violence comes in many forms—physical violence, sexual misconduct, verbal abuse and emotional abuse and even financial abuse, why is it that women fail to recognise when they are undergoing it and stay quiet even when they know they are victims? While many non-working women stay on due to lack of financial backing and no place to go, yet others keep mum for their children, or to spare the reputation of both their families from being tarnished. Other reasons include: Social Conditioning Experts peg this as one of the foremost reasons why women either do not recognise or even understand that they are undergoing social violence. Years of conditioning in a patriarchal society have made women so skewed towards gender-based behaviours that they think it is a part of being a woman. “Many of these women feel that this kind of behaviour is a part of marriage, and one needs to compromise,” says Dr Nayreen Daruwalla Director—Program on Prevention of Violence against Women and Children at Society for Nutrition, Education and Health Action (SNEHA), an NGO working with victims in Mumbai. She also says that in all her years of working with victims of domestic violence, she has observed that unless and until the woman has depleted all her resources, she will not ask for help. Emotional Reasons Since marriage is always taken as an emotional connect, it has no goal-setting, informs Dr Pradnya Ajinkya, a psychological counsellor based in Mumbai, who has witnessed numerous cases in the years of her experience. “Suppose there are ten instances that a woman goes by, the first abusive one will be forgotten with a subsequent good one, which brings the abused partner to a poor decision making skill,” she says, as a reason why women pull along silently.  Image: Engin Akyurt, Pexels No Support From Native Family This thought too stems from conditioning. Often, Dr Daruwalla states, that older women say that they underwent the same when they were young, and now it is their daughter’s turn. There is nothing alarming about it and hence refuse to support their daughters if they confide about being violated. No matter the demographics, the standard response victims receive from their parental families is, “This is between you and your husband, learn how to deal with it.” Fear Of Being Judged Dr Daruwalla says that women often tend to have preconceived notions about what it is to be a good woman or bad woman. A good woman is supped to be “adjusting and enduring” and does not let her family’s dirty linen out, so she keeps quiet. Even among educated families, the quick response to a reporting of a violent act is, “What did you do to trigger that behaviour in him?” Self-Blame If a person refuses to take the onus of helping themselves and expects the abuser to stop, she will keep quiet in hope. “Not only that, but women also tend to keep blaming themselves in such situations, there is little scope for them to change. They say, ‘Oh it was my fault too,’ or ‘Can I look at this differently,’ or ‘Can I change my attitude, so this does not happen again?’ So, the abuser gets away without being corrected,” informs Dr Ajinkya. Such women fail to protect themselves and look out for their safety. Not acceptable. That’s what we need to say to any and all forms of abuse, whether physical, emotional or psychological. We pledge to stand and speak up against domestic violence and urge you to #ActAgainstAbuse. Follow our campaign, #ActAgainstAbuse and learn about domestic abuse and what you can do to protect yourself and your family.Photographs used for representational purpose only.

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