Spotify Apple YouTube Spotify Apple YouTube What You'll Learn In Episode 332: Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? Or has a fear of losing yourself kept you one foot in and one foot out? Have you ever [...] The post How To Balance Personal and Sexual Freedom in Long-Term Relationships appeared first on Kevin Anthony Coaching.
Last Updated on January 23, 2025
What You’ll Learn In Episode 332:
Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? Or has a fear of losing yourself kept you one foot in and one foot out? Have you ever felt that you have lost your personal and sexual freedom once in a committed relationship? In this episode of The Love Lab Podcast, Kevin Anthony speaks with relationship coach Ry Duong about how to recognize and balance the needs for personal and sexual freedom within the bounds of a healthy committed long-term relationship. They share actionable advice on how to recognize when you are out of balance, the negative consequences of being out of balance, and how to get back into balance. Along the way, there are many nuggets of great relationship advice!
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Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 332 and it is titled, How to balance personal and sexual freedom in long-term relationships. So this is a topic that you hear often, right? This idea of, like, when I get into a relationship, you know, I lose who I am, or I don’t have the freedom to do the things I want to do. And you’ll see people often struggle with this idea of, like, how do I be in a relationship? Give the relationship my all. Like, really give 100% to it, but also maintain, you know, who I am as a person, and still continue to do the things that I like to do or I did before I was in a relationship. It can be a tricky balance. So we’re going to talk about that. In this particular episode. We’re going to talk about, you know, what that really means. How do we do it? What are some of the challenges? We’re going to give you some tools for how to do this more effectively. And I think this could be really, really helpful for people.
Because personally, as a coach, I see a lot of people struggle with this. Personally, I watch my friends struggle with this, and I don’t want to get into it now, because we’ll get into it in the show. But like I always talk about the fact that you know, when you come into a relationship, you have each individual entities, and then you have a third entity that’s created, that’s the relationship. But when the third one is created, it doesn’t mean you lose the individuals. And so we’re going to talk about that. I’m really excited to have that conversation today.
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Okay, if you are watching this on YouTube, you can see that I have a guest with me today. Her name is Ry Duong, and she is a passionate relationship coach, empowering individuals and couples to live authentically and attract lasting love. With a background in social work and coaching, she guides clients on their journey of self-discovery and a life of bliss. Welcome to the show, Ry.
Ry Duong 3:10
Thank you so much, Kevin. I love being here. I am full of energy, energy just bursting outside of me.
Kevin Anthony 3:18
Awesome. I love it. I love it. Give all the energy you can to the audience, they will love it also. Okay, so in the intro, I kind of talked a little bit about what we’ll be talking about today, but I’m wondering if, just to start from your own perspective, could you describe a little bit about what we mean when we say balancing personal and sexual freedom in a long term relationship. What does that really mean to you?
Ry Duong 3:43
Yeah, absolutely. I think you kind of describe it pretty perfectly when you talk about, like, two individuals separately as an entity, and then creating that third identity, which is the couple itself. Trying to balance that together is not always easy, and it’s tricky. There’s always a fine line. But I always say, like, just like in my couple is that I try to maintain my identity because I live true to my authentic self. I am an entity in myself, and that is the reason why my partner fall in love with me. And just like I fall in love with him as he is, and together, we built like I always say I like the expression. It was actually somebody else, that one plus one is not two. One plus one equal three, and that’s how I like to see it. I mean the more number I get, the better it is. When we’re adding each other’s up, that’s how I like to see it. Is that you’re both two full cup unique in yourself, and then you combine the strengths and your weaknesses.
Because I don’t also see like weaknesses is actually a weaknesses, depending on the right context, could actually be a leverage. So when you combine those two fours together, building this third identity, it should leverage you. It should be like life should be a little bit more easier. You should be able to express yourself. You should be able to have your vulnerability show up and feel safe. So. So I see that as like, maintain you be authentic within you need to get to know yourself, because if you don’t know who you are, it’s kind of hard. And then combining that together to create this beautiful third identity that is a symbol of the two of you and something else as a couple.
Kevin Anthony 5:18
I really love that idea of one and one actually equals three and not two. Because really, I mean, this is when people talk about, you know, power couples. You hear people throw this out all the time, they’re a power couple. We’re a power couple. There’s a lot of people who think they’re power couples that really are power couples. That’s a whole other conversation. But this idea of, you know, when we see a couple and we go, wow, they’re a power couple, what we’re really commenting on, what we’re really seeing is that idea of one and one equals three, in other words, together, they are even better and more powerful than they were separate, right? And I left that part that you brought in also about bringing in your strengths, but also your weaknesses.
Because if you’re really in an aligned relationship, you will compliment each other, right? So where you might have a weakness in some area, they might have a strength there, and vice versa, right? And so you come together, and in that way, you end up being exponentially more powerful together than you were separate. So yeah, that’s that’s absolutely beautiful. I love the way that you describe that. So of course, this begs the question, because we’re talking about this, right? So this obviously must be a problem for some people. Yeah. And the next question is, you know, from your point of view and the work that you do and the clients that you work with, how big of a problem is this? In other words, how many people struggle with this balance that we’re talking about?
Ry Duong 6:48
There’s a huge amount of people who struggle with it because it’s such a fine-line, because sometimes you self-doubt yourself. You’re like, Well, where does my identity and where do I draw the line in terms of my boundary, like this is me, you know, the fact that I need independent time, leisure time, time with my friends and family, to what point is it part of my identity, and what point does the identity of the couple should be involved? So when people navigate that, it’s a struggle, not that it’s well, of course, it’s always possible for them to actually be able to come up with an agreed consent decision making, of what that would look like. But a lot of people struggle, I would say, like in my type of work, with my fine tell at least, minimum, 65% of people, if not more, struggle a lot with this, because they’re kind of like, how much of it is me, and how much can I share and express and require that from my partner without feeling like I’m imposing my way on them?
Kevin Anthony 7:51
I would agree that in the work that I do, I see a significant number of people struggling with this. And, you know, there are obviously a lot of problems, you know, like when you get out of balance, like that, you kind of lose yourself in a relationship. Obviously, that’s difficult in the relationship in and of itself. But the other thing that I see is that when relationships transition right, and then you end up not in that relationship anymore, it’s like, I don’t even know who I am now, right? Because your their entire identity was that relationship, because they let go of that piece of themselves, of who they actually were. And I think that makes leaving a challenging relationship more difficult because of the fear, and it also makes once you are out, you know, like getting back on your feet, significantly more difficult as well.
Ry Duong 8:43
It’s glue. Well, you ask yourself, Who am I? And like, I always like to share a little part of who I am. I’m pretty raw as it is. I don’t really I share what I share. Like people see what they understand, but like, the last identity that I had, the last relationship that I had was it was no longer a line, and with somebody I love to death. And that’s another hard concept to understand, to think that love can conquer at all. I’m like, the the optimistic kind of girl, and I think love can conquer just about anything, as long as, like, we really fight it, and we’re gonna be able to make this last. And sometimes, love isn’t enough. There is a lot more that needs to be compatible, and you need to be able to have respect and admiration for each other, working as a team, rather than competing against each other.
But I noticed that my identity, because I was trying to mold myself to please my partner, so badly that a part of me started to dissolve in the relationship, and it felt like the end. I took the hard pill when my partner decided that he wanted to leave, and I didn’t agree with the decision, but I swallowed the pill, and I would never ask people to stay with me if they don’t want to stay. So I swallowed the pill and granted him his wish to leave. And like, had enough self, like, belief and faith in myself and trusting myself, that I could figure it out, and I realized that if I wanted to stay in that relationship, I would have done what I teach all my clients, which is standing true in your power and being in as authentic as you. I would have betrayed all of my value, of everything that I’ve been preaching to my ladies and my men out there, and I couldn’t do that. So I decided I’d stay true as hard and painful it is to have the person that you love walk away from you, but I stand true to my value, which is I will never betray who I am, even if it means that I would lose that relationship. So I’m not sure if I’m answering it, but it kind of ties in.
Kevin Anthony 10:45
Yeah, absolutely. You know, you made an excellent point, which is that, you know, there, I can definitely think of several people off hand from my past that I love dearly, but I cannot be in relationship with right? So, like, you can love somebody, right? And realize that we’re not just a fit. And that’s one of the things that you said is, you know, love may not necessarily be enough. You know, you can love somebody, but if you just have very different ways of seeing the world and operating in the world, and you’re just too many places where you disconnect, then that doesn’t make for a healthy, successful, long term relationship. It doesn’t doesn’t mean that there isn’t love there. I wanted to talk about something else that I see also when it comes to this idea of, you know, balancing.
So we talked about just now how some people will lose themselves in a relationship, and the point that you were making is that you know, you’ve always made it a point to stay really true to yourself, regardless of you know what was happening in the relationship. But another dynamic I see that’s kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum there is when people are afraid that they’re going to lose themselves, and therefore they don’t step 100% into the relationship. And so they always feel like they kind of got one foot out, one foot in, right? Yeah. And you can feel that when you’re in a relationship and there’s, there’s a fear there, that if they go in 100% somehow they’re going to lose their self. And so they always stay a little bit on the outside, which, of course, really prevents you from being able to go really deep and really establish that, you know, that really deep, true intimacy,
Ry Duong 12:29
That connection as well, and that’s something from like the wounds and the trauma that they’ve gone through. And although we can sympathize and kind of understand where that comes from, but I always talk to my clients in terms of, if you tell me that you truly want true love, because I’m somebody who is like, I love true love, like I want it to be real. Everything is all. What I stand for. My brand is authenticity, fun and just being crazy, silly, wacky, be yourself. But is that I really want the person to be able to say, if you say you want true love, this is all that you desire at the end of the day, the money that you make, the house, that you have, the car, but you only want to come home to the person that see you for who you truly are.
And you can just let your guard down if that is truly what you desire. I can understand that you’re kind of leaving your foot out of the door just in case as a backup something might happen. I’ll be okay and safe, but you won’t be able, like you said, create that depth, that connection that you want. So I asked them, What is the price that you’re willing to pay to keep this relationship by always having your foot out the door at some point they’re going to have to come to a decision, and there are many people who would never come to that decision of being able to commit and take that leap of faith and trusting. But if you want true love, and if you truly want what you say you truly want, you need to be able to open up that heart and when I look at myself, when I had my 17 years marriage that I filed for divorce, I didn’t believe in love anymore.
You know, after everything that’s gone through, it was my it was my first boyfriend, it became my husband. So this was all I ever knew. I thought, you know, traditional, like I’d be married to one man and one man forever, and that’s all I really want. But from coming out of that relationship, the hurt was so painful that my heart wanted just to close, but I knew that I believe in true love, and if I was to find my true love, and if I was to make this really, truly work, I gotta open up my heart. And just like Jay Shetty said, the more you learn, the more you felt, the bigger your heart you’re supposed to open and that’s how you actually find true love and be able to expand from love as a romantic partner to being able to give it to your kids, to your colleagues, to the world. It has to expand, not contract.
Kevin Anthony 14:52
So yes, absolutely, that is so true and so important. And you know, you were very accurate in what you said. That is that you know, a lot of people have you know been hurt in the past, they’ve been traumatized, and their response to that is to shut down. Unfortunately, it’s what we would call a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? In other words, you got hurt in a relationship, therefore you shut your heart down. You shut it down, which means you’re not opening it up to really go there, to the depths that we’re talking about and create true intimacy, and therefore your relationships fail, you get hurt again, right? And then you end up in this sort of never-ending cycle of failed relationships, because you’re not really opening up to what that relationship could potentially be.
At the same time, I have some compassion, because I understand, nobody likes to get hurt in relationships. It doesn’t feel good, right? But at the same time, as you said, if you ever really want to experience, you know, I talk on this show a lot about, you know, like, what your relationship could be, or, you know, what your sex could be, you know, like, I’ve done whole episodes on that, and if you ever want to really experience the true potential for what’s there, the only way to do it is to open your heart. There is no other way.
Ry Duong 16:15
You brought up sex my favorite topic, because once you open up your heart, the ability to connect at such a deeper level that no one else can share between you and your partner and sex-wise, is just beyond like. And I say that, not I say it in a joking way, but I say it in truth as well. It’s just it takes you to a whole completely other level to be able to experience the sexual bond between you and your partner. It’s undescribable. So, yes, open up your heart, expand it. And I wanted to mention this too. It’s like, it’s important, yes, open your heart, but also take your time to decide and take the time to evaluate the partner that you’re going to open your heart to, because I’m one of those girls who has like who carries my heart in my hand. I’m open sleeve like you, what you see is what you get.
But I tend to open my heart to anybody and everybody, and not everybody deserves to be shown your heart. So pick wisely, and when you’re able to pick the right type of partner, your wound, you’re scared, and all of these different things, they just make it somehow so much more easier for you to open up and to trust them. And I say that as an example, with my current partner, I used to, I used to love all of my different partner, and I give every part of me. I’m a very deep lover, but I could never fully take away, remove the need for control, kind of like what you said the one foot out of the door, there was a part of me where I love my independence. I love my freedom.
So I didn’t want to give that up completely. And so I’ve never, always let all of these different partner in where they can fully, kind of just take me in and like would let my guard, let them be able to influence me in certain way. This is the first time in this relationship that I have, because I took my time. I actually took the time to assess and see if we’re compatible, getting to know him, slowing down my rhythm. Because I’m like, the one, like, I know that you’re the one for me. And I’m like, let’s jump in. Let not waste any time I get that’s how I work, but I realized in love for me anyway, after taking many time of therapies and reflection, I realized for me, I need to slow down, because I have a very empathetic heart. I’m an open book. I need to assess the person that is the right fit for me. So with my current partner, is just I open up to him easily, and I’m able to, for the first time, I said to him, it’s easy for me to be in my feminine energy with you, with a masculine because you just makes me feel safe. I don’t need to defend myself. I don’t need to argue whether I’m right or wrong. You are right, if you make sense and it’s rational, I don’t need to defend myself.
Kevin Anthony 19:02
Well, you made a very good point about choosing wisely, right? So you do want to choose wisely. You do want to only really open your hearts to people that you know are quality people, and that, of course, will reduce the chances that you get hurt. So that is, that is definitely a wise thing to do, and at the same time, just be careful that you’re not using that as an excuse to never open up your heart. Well, I’m just really picky. I hear this a lot from women. I’m just really picky. And no man can ever, you know, meet my needs or blah, blah, blah, and it’s just like, No what’s really happening there is you’re shut down. You’re closed off. You won’t let anybody in, and you’re using that as an excuse. It’s always there. It’s always something wrong with the man. That’s never anything wrong with you. So you know, yes, absolutely, be discerning and slow down is great advice, too.
This is something I’m telling people all the time. I. Uh, you know that they meet somebody and that chemistry gets flowing right, and it’s like, oh yeah, this is the one. And boom, they just want to jump right in. And, you know, I understand that urge or that desire when it really feels right. And at the same time, we have to be aware that the chemicals play tricks on us, right? And so if it truly is the right person, and this really is that person that you’re gonna, you know, dive in with, go deep, you know, spend a lifetime with. They will be perfectly okay if you go slow. In other words, they’re not gonna be like, Oh, that, forget it. This is just too slow for me. I’m out of here. Like, that’s not gonna happen if it really is the right person. So there’s no penalty to slowing down and taking the time to get to know each other. You can only benefit by doing that.
Ry Duong 20:49
And there’s a beautiful quote too. You can never say the wrong thing to the right person. So, like, I used to over analyze things a lot, like, oh, I would have to do this if I’m then I’m like, Ah, screw this. Way too complicated, and you’re not being real because you’re you’re, you’re becoming somebody that you think would please that person. And ever since I stopped doing that, I’m just showing up as the real me. This is who I am. This is like, you know, of course, at the beginning, you can’t just like, come and like, this is me. Take it as it doesn’t work either. That’s just way too much.
But be as real as you can possibly be, and over time, they start to discover you. But when you show up as you and you’re being real, it doesn’t feel like work. You don’t have to convince them to fall in love with you, because they’re already falling in love with who you are, and that person that is falling in love with you, they see you for your true person, and not the person. Well, of course, we have different images of people and ideals that we have, but when you show up as real as much as possible, it is much more easier to build a much deeper connection.
Kevin Anthony 21:50
Yeah, and the key to that is, you know, when you say, you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. I mean, the key to that really is, you know, authenticity and compassion, right? So if you’re truly being yourself and being honest and sincere, and you’re doing it with compassion, then, yeah, you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person, but you got to, you have to be genuine, and you have to, you have to exercise some judgment and some and employ some compassion.
Ry Duong 22:24
One of the things that I always tell people is that people literally just follow word by word what you say. Well, no, and use your own judgment and what we’re saying, we’re trying to give you as much as we can. But you know yourself pretty good. You have your inside history. You know how you work and all that. And just use your own logic make it into your own flavor. That is the right. Key ingredient is like, literally I have some client like, I tell them, literally this. And they’re like, I follow it by the book. It doesn’t work well, yeah, you have to put it in context, and you got to use some judgment to make it possible so that it makes it workable for you as well. So don’t just listen to the podcast and literally take that. It helps you, but use some logic in there and put your own flavor. Don’t be shy to put your personality, your flavor, into that as well.
Kevin Anthony 23:14
So, you know, I love this conversation so far, because you know what, what we’re our primary topic here, of course, is balancing, you know, personal and sexual freedom in a relationship, but there’s so much more of just generally great relationship advice that’s coming through as we talk about these things. So this is, this is awesome. And having said that, I want to kind of bring us back a little bit more towards the balancing part. We’ve kind of touched on this throughout the conversation so far, but I just, I want to make a point to say it more clearly and straight-forward, which is, the question is, why is it important to do this balance? What would be some of the benefits if people could learn to have this balance?
Ry Duong 24:01
because then you’re not navigating in the confusion of the unknown or did he say this? Did he mean this? It’s like, it’s clarity, you know, like you’re doing this balancing act because you want to be able to say, babe, like, that’s how I have my conversation with my client is like, don’t be shy to bring up concerns that you may have. Don’t be shy to share some of the fear. Don’t overwhelm them with those things. And make sure that you pick the right timing to share for sure and know your partner as well. Because you know, it’s a matter of knowing and being compassionate, like you said, with your partner, I wouldn’t just bring up any random topic to my partner if he’s exhausted and he’s overwhelmed with the kids like this, this might not be the right timing, but by showing up and expressing what is important for me and drawing that line for him, it allows him to say, I know how to love you better, like I tell my partner I like you know, if for forever, for the rest of life. You pay attention the little details that you do for me every single day I will be forever yours. You don’t have to do anything else. And he said to me, if you give me blow job every single day for the rest of our lives.
Kevin Anthony 25:14
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Ry Duong 25:25
It just allows us to be truly ourselves, and like explaining our road map of how to love us better, like he tells me how I can love him better, and I tell him, what is the pointer like when I’m tired, when I’m sad, this is what I look like, and this is how you can come and respond to me like today, I’m gonna be real and be very today, I cried for two hours before coming on to your show. Kevin, I was having a really hard time with my ex-husband, trying to navigate teenage age for my daughter, and so I kind of felt like very powerless in the situation, so I cried for two hours like, oh my god, on the day where I’m supposed to appear on Kevin’s show, I’m gonna have but I never see challenges something bad. I see as like, what is the opportunity to learn behind that?
And I share this with all of the audience, because we have beautiful lives, but we also have challenges, and it’s okay, and it’s to be able to say it is what it is. What do I do within the control that I have? And it’s the same thing with your partner, if you don’t let your partner in, and if you don’t let your partner know what’s happening like so I let my partner know. I text him. I just want to give you a heads-up, babe, when you come home tonight, all I want to do is, I’m not going to talk a whole lot. I just want hugs, this and kisses, this is what I went through today. And I just need you to feel like, to show me love. And that’s it. When you’re able to be clear and obvious to him and let him know, like, how can I best love you? How can I best serve you? It makes everybody’s job so much easier?
Kevin Anthony 27:01
Absolutely. And so, you know the short answer to the question is, you will see that your relationships improve, that they function more smoothly, that you have less arguments or disagreements, that it builds more trust, right? When, when you can see that the person is balanced, right? So, like, for instance, if we were talking about that one scenario where somebody kind of has one foot in, one foot out, well, whether or not the other partner consciously recognizes that they energetically feel that. And so there’s always a little level of sort of distrust there, right? Of like, which, of course, then breeds some fear, right?
And some fear is, oh, he might do this, or she might do that, or what you know. So it does create, even if it’s underneath the surface, even if it’s a more subtle layer, it does create some disharmony in the relationship. And once you can bring it back into balance, right? And you can help, as you said, each other learn how best to serve each other and love each other. All of a sudden, everything gets smoother, and there’s so much more harmony in your relationship. So it’s definitely worth working on that balance,
Ry Duong 28:14
Absolutely. And I wanted to add something quickly, if you I may, Kevin that it was in relationship, when you are sharing these vulnerable sides of you, like what you’re doing is like you said, it’s the unsaid between relationship that fur grows the gap bigger and bigger, and that’s what I noticed in couple, is the thing that they don’t say to each other. And somebody on a podcast was saying it, it’s so funny, but got his name, he said, you know, for years on years, every time you see his wife put on this cap after she showered before bedtime, he thought that that meant that there was no like sex, no bonding at the end of the day. Don’t come and approach her at all when all she wants was to be approached by her husband, right?
But it’s the non said communication between the two and the further the gap and they gone by like this for eight years, and she’s like, No, I like, I came out. The challenge just something I did, it was not to kind of, you know, reject you or push you away in any way. But what I’m saying is that even though you don’t say, and it’s the energy like Kevin felt like said, that can be felt, it’s important to bring it up and so that trust can be there. And so for me, it’s a practice, like, whenever I feel like there’s something that needs to be said, I just bring it up and I double check I don’t assume because that is the worst thing to do, or assume bad intention from my partner, which we don’t have. That is the one rule that we have in our relationship, is that even though we’re disagreeing or arguing. I always remember this is the man I love more than anything in the world, and nothing else will come and take that down. So I would have to take breather. We would separate, individually, recuperate, come back, discuss about it. Close it. Move on. We don’t bring back the past.
Kevin Anthony 30:01
That’s wonderful. Okay, I need to take a short break because we’re about halfway through the show. But when we when we come back, I want to talk about, so we’re talking about this idea of balance. And, you know, people may be asking themselves the question, well, how do I know if I’m in balance? How do I know if my relationship is in balance or not? So I want to talk a little bit about some of the types of problems that you’re likely to see in a relationship that’s out of balance so that people can maybe recognize if they’re having a challenge in that area. And then I really want to talk about ways that people can get in balance if they’re not so I want to give them some actionable strategies for how to really get into balance in their relationship. I got a bunch more questions, but those are the two main things I want to get to on the other side of this break.
Okay, are you a couple? Are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make, but just don’t know how maybe you think there is nothing that can be done if you are not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/. Don’t worry about the long link. It’s in the description, just click on it. Schedule a strategy call with me today so we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be so you can have it all your way go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and book your strategy call today is very obviously my couples coaching program. So you know, if you’re listening to any of this and you’re like, Yeah, I’m really out of balance. I need help. That’s that’s where you go. And of course, at the end, I am going to give ri an opportunity to share how you can get in touch with her, because she’s doing amazing work also, and if you resonate with her, and she’s somebody that you would like to work with, I highly encourage you to do so.
Okay, let’s get back to this idea of balance. What types of problems do you often see with couples who are out of balance? Like, how does being out of balance manifest? What are ways that people can go? Oh, yeah, we have that pattern, or that thing happens for us that would help them recognize whether or not they’re in balance.
Ry Duong 32:15
Well, a lot of time it is like the not trusting is like not trusting the intent of their partner, or, like building up resentment they don’t share their feeling, and then all of a sudden they explode. Or it’s just like every time they’re trying to come together and communicate, there is one person who’s trying to communicate, the other person is being on the defensive, so they’re out of balance as you start seeing these patterns, or one who just like, you know, I’m not going to bring it up, these concern like my partner, if I open up, they’ll like, you know, they’ll be like, a bad reaction from them. So therefore, like, I just better be quiet, because all I want to do is buy peace and then keep it.
Keep it like, uncomfortable here, but you’re off balance when you do that, because what you’re not saying and what you’re tolerating is just going to get worse and worse over time, and this relationship will eventually dissolve itself at some point or another, because you can’t keep that unrealness In that couple, and this little Monster underneath of the carpet just gets bigger and bigger. So you need to be able to bridge that gap and close it down right? So that’s what I tell my client, is that you have to start with small little thing, and it takes patience in your relationship, because just asking for change for yourself is hard enough. Imagine asking change from your partner, so you need to have a lot of forgiveness, a lot of compassion. And one of the biggest thing that I tell my client is, like, treat your partner as though they’re your best, best friend, with your best friend, even though, you know, sometimes they don’t always deliver on the promise. They’re late and they forget stuff. What do you do? You just go, ah, that’s my friend. Like, right?
You know, it’s unfortunate. You explain it, and you kind of let it go, and the relationship resumes itself, and there’s love and there’s respect. But somehow, when it comes to your relationship, your romantic relationship, there’s, like, this unrealistic standard, like, they’re supposed to be superhuman, they’re supposed to fulfill my every need, like all of these things that I have insecurity a hold I need to fill. They have to do it all. No, unfortunately, they cannot do it all for you. You gotta show up with the best version of who you are, why he’s working on him, so the two of you guys can be at a good, healthy place together, sharing this. So I don’t know if that kind of help, but definitely if you’re seeking like in the relationship, you’re feeling like, I can’t share myself, I can’t voice my concern, I can’t speak freely communication. There’s a breakdown, there’s resentment, there’s like competition. It’s assuming bad intent is like you’re expressing yourself. The person jumps into the conclusion, because they’re working on autopilot. You guys been together? For so long. Well, that’s what you would do. Well, no, that’s not what she did this time, or that’s not what he did this time. He’s trying to explain it to you, can you just listen? You know?
Kevin Anthony 35:08
Yeah, I think all those are great. And that’s, that’s, that’s exactly what I want. I wanted people to hear, you know, kind of behavior patterns that will tend to show up when something feels out of balance. And one of the ones, you know, we’re talking about balancing personal freedom and sexual freedom a lot, and one of the things that you said in there is like you feel like you can’t be yourself. If you feel like you can’t share all of who you are in your relationship, that’s a sign that this relationship, it doesn’t have that perfect balance, right? Another one, I would say, is if you feel like you don’t know who you are in the because of the relationship, saying I don’t even know who I am anymore, like all I know is I’m Mrs. Or Mr. Whatever. You know it’s like, that would be another sign, in addition to many of the other things that that you shared as well.
So I just want to talk about that a little bit, because it’s not always obvious when these things are out of balance. And, you know, I just wanted to give people some clues or some tips on how they might recognize that, oh, you know, I do have one foot in, one foot out, because of X, Y and Z, or, Oh, I have kind of lost myself and forgotten who the core of who I am is, right? And so if you can recognize that, if you can bring awareness to it, that’s the first step to making a change and shifting things and getting more into balance, which, of course, leads us to what are some of the ways that people can successfully balance their personal freedoms and being in A relationship and doing both really well, not doing, like, both of them half-assed, right? Like, really, really owning who you are and being your authentic self, while also being 100% in your relationship and giving to that the best way that you can. How do people go about doing that?
Ry Duong 36:56
I think, like, one way to do it is, like, just see yourself like when I was actually my own person, before I actually got into a relationship, the leisure that I had, the sports, the activity, the workout that I do, the books that I read, the fact that I love the beach and gardening. Those things are the essence of who you are. That is your identity. So don’t because you have a partner, all of a sudden, let go of those things. That’s the first thing we tend to do, right? We become so consumed by love and infected by all of these hormones that we cast aside all our friends or family. We forget about them and all of the things that we use to practice, the leisure, the sport that gives us a sense of joy, we just toss it aside because we’re so in love with this person, right? So, and that’s okay at the beginning, but slowly go back towards your identity.
So what I do is like, I love my partner, but I’m an individual. I am a person in a full identity of who I am. I still practice my martial art, I go to my kickboxing. I do what I need to do. I do my workout. He’s not really a morning person. It takes him a while. I don’t mind. I let him do him. I don’t want to change who he is. And the one thing that I do before I actually got into this relationship is I ask myself, the person that I am meeting right now, will I be okay 20 years? 30 years, four years down the road, if he was to stay the same. I still be in love with this person, so there is only but an upgrade for him to do. He can’t fail, right? That’s one of the thing my boyfriend says to me is, like, I feel like I can’t fail you. It’s only up going from here. So if you actually are in a relationship, and you maintain those quality, go out with your girlfriend. And one of the big mistake that I did in my past relationship was I kind of cast aside my family, my friends. I just kind of basically hang out with all of his circle, his friend.
And as much as I enjoying them, different circles of friend have different connection, like, intellectually, I wasn’t connecting with his friend. Purpose wise, they were not where I was at. I was among friends who were coaches, who were wanting to make a difference, and they were about making money and all these different thing. And those are all admirable, and I can appreciate all of that, but that was in my circle. So bit by bit, I lose myself in this identity to one day looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing who I was, staring back at myself. So, yes, so maintain your identity, keep the circle, the friends, the connection, the things that you love, and let him be him too, like give him the space to breathe, to be by himself the you know, men loves their freedom too, and they’re afraid to lose their independence and all these different things, but give them that space. Let him do him. You do you, and you’re happy to come together. And distance could be such an amazing thing. We have much greater sex when I’m gone for a while, when I disappear for like a week. And then I come back, he’d be like, Baby, I miss you so much. Yes, baby, you did.
Kevin Anthony 40:07
Yeah, absolutely. I think, you know, it’s somewhat interesting, because people do tend to do this, right? They get into a relationship, and then all the things that they were doing before on their own, they tend to let go of a lot of them. And what I think is interesting about that is this person was attracted to you from what they saw you doing on the outside, right? So, who was martial arts? Like, you know, your man was, you know, interested in dating you. And he’s looking at, who is this person, right? And he’s like, Oh, wow, she’s cool. She does martial arts, and she does this and that, you know, and then you get into a relationship, and suddenly you stop doing those things. And then you wonder why the attraction isn’t there? It’s like, well, a lot of the things that they were attracted to to begin with, you’re not doing anymore, right, you know. And people do that too with, you know, appearance when they get into relationships, right?
And it’s just like, they just, oh, I don’t need to do that anymore, you know? And it’s like, okay, but that is an important part of attraction, right? So, yeah, that’s it. Keep doing the things that you do, and I think along with that, because sometimes, sometimes you do, let’s just say that your partner, I’m using you as an example now, let’s just say that your partner wasn’t into martial arts, or maybe thought that, you know, martial arts were somehow bad because you shouldn’t be fighting, right? And it’s like, well, once we get into relationship, you know, she’ll change, you know, once she realizes that I don’t really think that’s a good thing for a woman to do. She’ll stop doing it, kind of thing, right? So let’s just say that were the case. You know, this is one of those things where you made this point earlier, which is you said, if, if my partner never changed, would I still love him 20 years from now? That is an absolute must ask question when you start a relationship, because you cannot date somebody for their potential, who they could be, or like women do this all the time. Oh, he’ll change or I can change him. I’m guilty of that. He’s got most of what I want, but there’s a couple of things that are absolute nos for me, but don’t worry, I can change him. No, you can’t. No, you can’t. And if you’re successful at doing it in the short run, it’s gonna come back to haunt you in the long run, right?
So yes, you absolutely have to one, show up as your authentic self, keep doing the things that light you up, that make you who you are, that made you attractive to that person to begin with. And then also, of course, accept your partner for who they are, and you know, all the things that they do, and I would say, even take it a step further, which is encourage your partner to do the things that they love. You know, you mentioned, you know, that you had let go of your circle of friends. Yeah, one of the things that I’ve always tried to do in every relationship I’ve ever had was make sure that my partner still had her connection to friends, family, whatever, like it was great to go out and do girl nights. You know, my wife used to go out and do girl nights with a couple other women in the community that were also doing kind of similar work. And I thought it was amazing, because I learned very early on, when I was very young, I had a girlfriend who just dove in with me completely, and just her whole life disappeared, and I became her whole life. And for a little while, that feels great, right? You’re like, wow, I’m her whole life. This is amazing, right? Until you see the problems that will inevitably show up in that situation, and it’s just not, it’s not a healthy balance, no, but I shouldn’t be anybody’s entire life, no matter how much they love me and how much I want them to love me.
They need to have their own aspects to life too. Otherwise you’re going to end up in an unhealthy dynamic. So some ways to do that, of course, is to you know when you get when you start dating and you get into a relationship, is have these types of conversations and set those boundaries. You might say something like, Hey, you know, I really love martial arts. I’ve been doing it for 20 years. You know, I train twice a week in the in the dojo, and you know, that’s not gonna change. So hopefully you’re okay with that. But you know, just know that this is something that lights me up. This is something that allows me to show up as a better person in the relationship. This is something that gives me confidence in the world, you know, like all that kind of stuff. Like, let them know. Why don’t just say, well, that’s just what I do and like it, or leave it right. Like, let them know that why this is important to you, and just have those conversations. It’s like the shower cap thing that you were talking about before. It’s like, people make up all these i. D is in their head like, well, I thought once we got together that she’d stop going to the dojo, because that takes too much time away from us. And if she’s still going, that must mean she doesn’t really care about me, right? That’s not what it means at all.
But if you never stop to have that conversation, you don’t know that, right? So, yeah, those are, those are some, some things that you can do. And I would say also, it is a balance, right? If you were, you know, like when I was training martial arts, like a lot, I was in the dojo three days a week. That’s a lot of time. I mean, it would be after work. It would be, I wouldn’t get home till 9:30 or 10 o’clock at night, yeah, that’d be two days during the week, and then Saturday mornings, like half a Saturday right? So it was a big commitment, and, and if you really want to have the balance, like we’re talking about balance, so that means you got to find the balance. And that means maybe, maybe you drop off a day at the dojo, and you pick up a day spent with somebody that you love, right? So it’s you know, you don’t drop the things that you’re doing. You You have good conversations, you set boundaries, you let them know why these things are important to you, and then you find a way to make it work within the context of your relationship.
Ry Duong 46:14
And you are so, right? Kevin, having these conversations, what I did was I did like, uh, I made it fun, like, because everything around my brand is fun, but in my life too Life is too short to be too serious about everything, so I don’t take everything too seriously. I just like to be silly, and that’s what you see a little bit of me. You don’t get to see the full version of me yet, but this is part of me, and I just don’t take things way too seriously, because i i I love life. I love everything. I love the connection. I’m grateful for everything that I have. And one other thing I did is we had early on conversation, and what was important for me, like, Listen, I’ve gone through, I’ve done these relationship things. This is what I’m looking for.
And I don’t like set, like a fixed thing. I’m very flexible within, like, my standards and stuff, but I talk about, like, what’s important for me, what it is like my kids, like, I want somebody to come into my life. I don’t want them to be the father of my kid, but I want something to be their friends, who’s cheering, who’s supportive of me, not criticizing about how I parent my kids and all of that stuff, but be complimentary. So we would do a quiz. You know, how much time do I spend on the phone? What time is a reasonable cut-off time to put your phone down, like, you know? And when, terms of sex, how many time is an amount of sex is sufficient for you? And what can we explore? What can we try at what extent are you able to so we have these beautiful conversation, but I have to say, like, I don’t know, I’m a super lucky I just have the most beautiful conversation with my boyfriend, which wasn’t the case in my past relationship, in my two past relationship, but the conversation just flow and every time, because I’ve been pre-programmed to receive chaos, and then I have like, these amazing conversation with my current boyfriend.
I was like, my god conversation when it’s right with the right partner that is showing compassion and understanding, it could be solved, like, in less than five minutes. It’s like, this is weird. This I could get used to see you because you’re so attracted to this function and all these things. But as you get older, you get wiser, you look for peace, and that’s what I have in my relationship. Peace doesn’t mean boredom. Is like I have a sense of peace within myself, within the relationship, and my relationship is, is just as beautiful, full of dynamic and enthusiasm and stuff. It’s won’t be always fiery every single time, like when I’m younger, that it was chaotic, but it’s beautiful. It has its firework and it has, most of all, a sense of peace and calm. And I love that.
Kevin Anthony 48:49
Yeah, absolutely. It’s interesting, because people do get addicted to the drama, right, of that, of that chaos that happens, and you’ll see that often it’s, I mean, we could do a whole show just on this topic alone. But how many times I’ve seen people get into a new relationship, one that is actually really good for them, and think, nah, I don’t know. It’s just not that good. It’s, I don’t know. There’s some I don’t not that attracted to him or her. And when you really dig down into it, what you find out is they think that this isn’t the right person, and they don’t feel attracted to them because they’re not experiencing the chaos, the crazy highs, crazy lows, blah, blah, blah stuff that’s happening. They think that is what makes like, you know, a good relationship, not so much that they think it makes a good relationship, but like that to them is attraction, right, when it’s really just addiction to chaos and trauma. And I agree peace, peace is not boring to me at all, and the older I get, the more peace I want.
The other thing that you were mentioning there is definitely something that I wanted to get into here, since we only have a few minutes left on the show, this idea of balancing the sexual freedom part, because this is something that you see a lot in relationships, which is like, well, I want to be able to do this, that or the other thing, but, ah, she won’t let me. He won’t let me. They don’t want to they’re not into it. Like, how does one go about balancing, you know, their sexual desires in a relationship?
Ry Duong 50:30
I think, like, it’s bringing it in a gentle way to your partner, you know, like, Hey, babe. Like, for example, like, I wanted to try something new. Like, I like to explore tantric sex and all of these different things and like, evolve and all like I remember, I have a very curious mind. I’m always learning, so I’m like, you know, and I want to be able to bring it in a way that is very loving, but th