Working With ‘Misengaged Couples’: Ways To Engage Both Parties In Planning Conversations

When advisors work with couples, the goal is to make both parties feel seen and heard. Yet while many advisors aim to include both clients, this is often easier said than done. One client may be very engaged in the financial planning relationship, and the other may be less enthused by the prospect of meeting with an advisor. While not all clients need to be equally interested in the financial planning engagement, potential issues can compound over time to the point where only one partner is present in the financial planning relationship, and the other is absent – or they attend meetings but give no input.

Conceiving of this client as the "disengaged spouse" may be doing a disservice to the client. After all, several elements may be at play, including role specialization (where one partner handles the majority of financial decisions, while the other focuses elsewhere) as well as a difference in communication styles. In their 2018 Journal of Financial Planning article, "Planning for Conflict in Client Relationships," authors Sarah Asbedos and Emily Purdon presented a framework of conflict styles within couples, asserting that all individuals had some combination of high/low accommodation and high/low assertiveness. A client who has a high assertiveness/low accommodation style, for example, may be less willing to compromise – whereas a client with the opposite traits may be too willing to compromise, rather than speak their mind. These elements can make it more difficult for both partners to be heard and understood when the couple is in a meeting together.

As such, it may be more helpful to label these dynamics as a sort of "misengagement" between the client couple – gaps in a couple's priorities and communication styles that can make understanding what motivates both people challenging. An advisor who can quickly identify and adapt to these differences in early meetings stands a higher chance of keeping both parties engaged. 

What each couple needs will vary. For example, if one partner is more assertive, but not very cooperative, they may be prone to quickly sharing their judgement – and the advisor may need to use reflection language to 'neutralize' some of their assertiveness. On the other hand, if one partner is less assertive, they may need to be invited to share their thoughts first – or may benefit from opportunities to share their thoughts outside of the immediate pressure of a meeting.

Ultimately, the key point is that client "disengagement" is a multi-faceted issue, and advisors can use a variety of tools to increase their odds of connecting with both partners.  While some clients may willingly step back and opt to let their partners steer the relationship, the advisor can still encourage their presence within goal-setting or other decision-making meetings that may feel less 'technical' in nature. If advisors can thread the needle between providing options without being overbearing, they may be able to iterate with the client couple to find a rhythm inside (and outside of) meetings that works for everyone!

And if you want to go deeper on this topic, hear directly from the author on the Financial Advisor Technician podcast .

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