Are We Unconsciously Recycling Unhealthy Thought Patterns?
by Dr. Nadia Sabri
Emergence of mental and physical illness symptoms are greatly impacted by various social determinants of health. Chronic stress, lifestyle habits, social support (or lack thereof), isolation, finances, education, exposure to violence, etc. Across the board, however, there are still A LOT of common symptoms which are showing up earlier and earlier among kids. Parents are concerned and rightly so.
How can we prevent our kids and ourselves from becoming statistics? Where do these thought patterns come from? Parents, are we unconsciously recycling unhealthy thought patterns?
Common examples:
- Shame around food
- Food as “good” or “bad”
- Eating your feelings. “feel sad? Have a cookie”
- Violence in words and actions
- Spanking & hitting kids as “tough love”
- Dysfunction and domestic abuse as “normal”.
- Kids grow up to bully/abuse or be bullied/abused
- Trama bonding
- co-dependency, lack of boundaries
- Body shaming
- “too fat”, “ugly”, “different”
- Low self esteem
- Unrealistic expectations
- Perfectionism
- Harsh inner critic
- “too picky”, “bad sleeper”, “troublemaker”, “too slow”, “too stupid”, etc),
- Feelings of unworthiness
- Imposter syndrome
- Trust issues
- “let the baby self soothe and/or cry it out by themselves”
- “Hugs spoil babies”
- Loneliness
- Superiority/inferiority complexes
- Racism
- Gender based violence
- Toxic Masculinity
- Chronic illness
- Insomnia
- headaches
- Chronic fatigue
- stress eating
- Eating disorders
- Self regulation issues
- “finish your plate”
- “I tell you when you are full”
- “Hug/kiss that person”
- “Because I said so”
- Difficulty expressing emotion
- “stop crying like a baby”
These are only a few of the ways that symptoms show up in daily life.
As a pediatrician, let me assure you that children are NOT born with mental illness. More often than not, these are manifestation of ACEs, adverse childhood experiences. The more ACEs in childhood, the more mental and physical symptoms show up.
Studies show that childhood ACEs impact parenting in a bad way, negatively affecting parent-child bond, developmental delays, child growth and development. It is so important to recognize that our pasts DO impact our current state of being and our parenting skills.
Reflect on some of your current thought patterns and behaviors. Where/when did they start for you? What things trigger you? Do you notice your kids showing similar symptoms as you?
Unhealthy mindsets are unconsciously taught and perpetuated before we fully understand what they mean. At home. On normal days. While getting ready for school or work, during meals, on vacations, on tv and music, while shopping, in normal conversations.
“Do these jeans make me look fat?”
“Ugh, if only I could lose the baby weight!”
“I bet I’d find a relationship if I was more successful/better looking/lost five pounds/got plastic surgery/wasn’t so sensitive/was better at x, y, z.”
We use these unhealthy frameworks a lot. We think them, verbalize, and lament over them. We re-live and recycle them as adults and pass them on to our kids.
Every. Single. Day.
So, can we/should we blame our parents?
It is important to not blame the past or hold on to resentment. Parents of the past probably did the best they could with what they had/what they thought they “should” do. However, it does not excuse the behaviors. It doesn’t make it ok. It is ok to acknowledge how those life experiences affected you so that you and recognize that just because they did something does not mean you should do it, too.
Fortunately, there are ways to heal from ACEs and parent to prevent ACEs in our kids.
Read more on the parental effect on a child’s self esteem and empower yourself in your parenting with mindful parenting tips to start today
Recognize Patterns
Frameworks for thoughts and behaviors start in childhood, become our inner voice, continue to haunt us in our adult lives. When we become parents, we often continue those patterns/habits without critical reflection.
Recognize them as the side effects of unhealthy parenting thought patterns and actively strive to stop yourself when you fall into these unhealthy thought loops.
Together, we can break the cycles of systemic thought patterns that oppress and stigmatize families and communities.
Parental Affirmations:
1. I have the choice to raise my children differently.
2. We can learn from the past and have the choice to makes changes in the present.
3. Just because it was done before, does not mean I have to continue it.
4. Tough love is not love. I will focus on connection, not control.
5. I will extend kindness and compassion to myself and my family.
Mindful MD Mom asks:
Do you notice patterns in your life and/or parenting? What habits did you have to unlearn?
Articles You May Enjoy:
How Can We Stop Sabotaging Parental Confidence
How to Mindfully Talk to Your Kids About Racism
How Parental Expectations Affect the Bedtime Experience.
Using the Perfect Filter and Why It Needs to Stop
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