Why are we so ashamed to admit we need new friends?

There’s a viral TikTok video of a woman explaining why she doesn’t have friends. Some commented to share their own struggles. A few believe that she must be the problem, because how can you reach your 30s without a solid friendship group? And that’s part of the embarrassment. We can finally admit that we’re single, lonely and eager for love, but why is it so difficult to share that we need new friends?

Social isolation and loneliness affect 16% of people worldwide. Research shows that we’re drastically spending less time with our peers. In fact, our alone time has reached a point where influencers are gaining followers by celebrating their solitude.

While it might be easy to go online and share that you don’t have enough friends, it doesn’t feel that way in real life. The only plausible explanation is that you’ve moved to a new place, or your close friends are now married with kids.

Could family be the decline of friendship?

As friendship declines, time spent with children has increased. I spoke to a parent recently about the pressure to constantly keep kids entertained. We laughed at how you could no longer let a child play out with friends till dinner. But it’s not just children taking up valuable friendship time. Many of us have divorced parents, leading to potentially four individual households to keep up with. Add that to time spent with partners, holidays and what not, and suddenly you’re waiting five weeks to see your friend on a Saturday.

A partner has become the perfect solution to fill friendship gaps. Dan and I started going on lots of dates every weekend, followed by staying in together to save for our house, to then spending weekends doing up the house. Without him, I found myself alone within my friendships. It was so rare to just randomly meet for a walk or even chat on the phone. Everything required careful planning and scheduled dates. About two years in, I realised that my friendships had slowly faded as Dan had become a replacement.

I joined Bumble BFF and started ‘friendship dating’. I’ve since made new friends and met women with all different types of personalities on the apps (we often think it’s only introverts or quiet people with this type of issue). It still feels embarrassing though to accept that I needed it.

So why are so ashamed to admit we need new friends?

Part of the shame in needing new friends is the feeling that you’re the only one suffering. Even the ‘loser’ in teenage flicks had ‘loser’ friends to hang out with. In our twenties, friendship is often about proximity and fulfilling specific needs. I had a work group who liked clubbing on Saturdays, an ex-colleague that was also desperate for a boyfriend, another friend who quit their job at the same time as me to chase their dreams.

I didn’t go to uni and lost touch with college friends, so work relationships became a priority. But when you’re working in London, it’s easy for your friends to live almost three hours away from your actual house.

By the time you reach your 30s, friendships can take a back seat. Some stick to the same friends they’ve known for years, with little interest in meeting anyone new. Others become so devoted to family life that they’re happy to count friends as cousins and in laws. The people wanting to make new friends then have the challenge of figuring out where to go.

Although I’m writing from the experience of being in my 30s, loneliness and the decline in friendships is rising across generations. While we’re no longer afraid to admit we’re on dating apps or that we don’t have money, friendship just hasn’t reached that point. We’re still ashamed to admit we need new friends or even better ones that give us the connection we need.

How Do You Actually Make New Friends?

In the same way you would when dating, you want to first decide what you’re after. A study showed that it takes around 94 hours to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend and at least 300 hours to become a best friend. Time becomes much more valuable as you age, so you don’t want to waste hours building a relationship with the wrong person.

You might need new friends in general or maybe casual friends to help keep your Sundays occupied. I noticed on Bumble BFF that a lot of people want more friends, but they don’t want to put the time in. Friends don’t always work around your schedule and just like dating, you have to keep some availability.

Here are a few ways to start:

• Friendship Apps: They’re a great place to start. You know that everyone is in the same position which cuts some of the awkwardness. You also get to choose your friends rather than just being friends with someone because you work in the same place.
• The ‘Friend-of-a-Friend’ Network: If you have a close friend, asking to meet up with their friends is an easy way to expand your network.
• Practice the Direct Ask: And while I could add hobbies and clubs to the list, one thing to practice is simply asking people to meet up. I’ve had situations before where after a great conversation with someone, I’ve added them to socials and then reached out to continue the friendship.

When I’m not writing here, you’ll find me sharing updates on my Instagram. Come and say hi @relationshipswithlaura. I’d love to know if this post resonated.

The post Why are we so ashamed to admit we need new friends? appeared first on Relationships with Laura.